Open Mouth, Self-Insert Foot
by darkmoonrise312
Summary: Thetimewalker2237: When one young author- Darkmoonrise312: NO BODY'S GONNA READ THAT, TIMEY. HERE'S WHAT'S UP: WE'RE PARODYING SELF INSERTS, INTERDIMENSIONAL TERRORISTS TRAP US IN VYTAL, WE GET COOL WEAPONS, PHYSICS BREAKS, AND WE TRY TO GET IT ON WITH BLAKE AND/OR RUBY. THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT. Thetimewalker2237: Stop interrupting me!
1. Prologue and AN

**Plot happens next chap! I'm just explaining shit here. Big authors' note. If you hate that shit, go to chap two. If you want to know what the hell we are doing, read on.**

* * *

**Darkmoonrise312: Greetings internet! The Darkmoon is here once again to bring y'all an amazing piece of fanfic art! And joining me today is my better half, thetimewalker2237!**

**Thetimewalker2237: Hey everybody! Good to be back on fanfic, even if it's not my own account. Hey, wait a minute! What do you mean by better half?**

**Darkmoonrise312: You know exactly what I mean, my little timey-wimey**

**Thetimewalker2237: You had better not-**

**Darkmoonrise312: ...wibbly wobbly.**

**Thetimewalker2237: I was going to say insinuate we are a gay couple, but yes, you had also better not make bad pet names from Doctor Who lines.**

**Darkmoonrise312: Aw come on man! You know you want me.**

**Thetimewalker2237: *glares* Aaaannyway, aren't you gonna talk about what we're doing here today? **

**Darkmoonrise312: Righteo. So, to y'all reading this, you've gotta have been around fanfic enough to know the worst parts about it right?**

**Thetimewalker2237: You mean the weird shipping, the AUs putting sci-fi characters in high school, and all the shitty erotica?**

**Darkmoonrise312: No. That stuff rocks! I'm talking about self-inserts!**

**Thetimewalker2237: Ah, yes, the bane of our existence!**

**Darkmoonrise312: Well, not all the time. Sure, most of the time you just end up with a horrid Mary Sue character that winds up in some weird love triangle with the protagonist, but that's just when they try to take it seriously. **

**Thetimewalker2237: So far, any good self-insert we've seen has been making fun of it. Apparently, parodies can be higher qualities than the original.**

**Darkmoonrise312: *cough* 50 Shades of Gray */cough* But yeah, that's what we are gonna do. We are gonna fuck with the self-insert genre, and hopefully make you laugh in the progress.**

**Thetimewalker2237: Because we write to make you laugh. And sometimes for you to fap. We're to have fun.**

**Darkmoonrise312: And hopefully write ourselves into a lemon with one of those hot chicks in team RWBY!**

**Thetimewalker2237: You are always thinking with your lower brain, aren't you?**

**Darkmoonrise312: Well that is pretty much what I am, your dark side. And the only sins you got is a porn addiction!**

**Thetimewalker2237: Would you fucking shut up about that! **

**Darkmoonrise312: No. This place needs a reminder of how fucked up I am.**

**Thetimewalker2237: Anyway, since what we've written is a bit unconventional, and the fact this is the internet, we thought we'd explain a bit. **

**Darkmoonrise312: Through the use of answering anticipate troll questions! It's a Q&amp;A, from the FUTURE!**

**Trollcommenter4: What is going on here? There were two authors, why is there only one guy? What is with the crazy bold voices!?**

**Thetimewalker2237: Guess why need to explain some backstory, since you clearly don't get it. We-**

**Darkmoonrise312: Split personality disorder! I live in his head, and fuck with his life if I can.**

**Thetimewalker2237: At least he's trying to make the internet think so. It's a long complicated story, but basically he hacked my account so often that we start saying he was my alter ego, and the legend just kinda developed.**

**Darkmoonrise312: No, I seriously exist in his head. Just a figment of imagination. But whatever reality is real aside, as far as story, it's Dissociative Identity Disorder, but we talk to each other, in head communication.**

**Thenamewithwaytoomanywordsinit985: What's with the other OC? Where are the canon characters?! You messing with the cannon, man. Why is their no White Rose?!**

**Darkmoonrise312: The Temperance serves three purposes. One, to save our lives, and two, so we can have a weapon on par with all the "cause why the fuck not" logic weaponry of the universe, and three, give us some connection to the Beacon. And he might possibly have kids. If too many complaints about OCs, no more OCs. If not, he's gonna have fire and ice twins going to Beacon. We stopped before we got to main story and canon characters because, well, time. And really, pinkshipping? Weiss is not tsundere, she's a prick!**

**Anonymous: getting abducted by transdimensional robots? Yeah right. White Fang doesn't even use robots.**

**Thetimewalker2237: We wanted to fix the one problem most self-inserts have: you have no fucking clue how they got there. We just put in a plot reason for transdimensional shenanigans. Plus, robots!**

**Didntsigninjust2troll: What? You gave yourself superpowers?! UNSUBSCRB!**

**Darkmoonrise312: Have you watched RWBY? Physics don't work. We thought the sci-fi explanation of low gravity on Vytal (or whatever the planet's called) could explain some of the physics breaks. And using that, if we come in from high gravity, well, think John Carter. Plus, it isn't superpower there. This barely gives us enough to counter anybody at that school. They have superpowers, err, semblances, we just get a little boost to near their level.**

**Selfinsertnamehere: WHAT IS WITH THIS SUPERLONG AUTHORS NOTE1 AND WHENS THENEXT CHAP!**

**Thetimewalker2237: We didn't want to break the flow of the story with author's note before and after chaps like we norm do, so we thought just throw it all in the beginning. And we work on this cause its fun, so we don't really have a schedule-**

**Darkmoonrise312: Come on, the time-walker is working on this! If you know anything about this guy, you'll be lucky to see chapter two this year!**

**Thetimewalker2237: Shut the fuck up, Darkmoon.**

**Darkmoonrise312: It's true; he hasn't updated anything that I wasn't helping with since 2012. But I think that's enough talking. STORY TIME!**

**Thetimewalker2237: We hope you enjoy the story. We sure enjoyed writing it.**

**Darkmoonrise312: So go down and click the next chap button and read, review favorite, follow and all that good stuff. READ ONWARD GOOD SIR!**

**Thetimewalker2237: ...and/or madam.**


	2. Robots with tentacles

"Where the hell is this place" I ask myself aloud as I wander about the city, lost. I was supposed to meet up with my LARP club in the park for a meet, but wouldn't you know, I lose my map and leave my phone in the hotel, accidently grabbing my contact case/glasses holder by mistake. Stupid life! So now I'm just walking down the street -

**Singing "do waddi by dibby dub dibby do!"**

"William, really?!"

**What?**

"You know exactly what. I hate that kinda music!"

**Why do you think I started singing it?**

At this point I should probably explain. I have voices in my head. Specifically William. Although he prefers "The Emperor of the Dark Moon," or similar titles. He's evil crazy.

**Well, thank you, Ben, but who are you thinking too?**

The readers of course!

**Wow. 9 sentences in and you're already breaking the fourth wall! I think that's a new record for you!**

As you can see, with him in my head, I'm pretty crazy. But back to the story, I was looking-

**We're going to an LARP match, but this goon lost the map and now we're getting funny looks cause we're walking around Cleveland with a freaking bow on our back! That pretty much sums it up.**

But now we have no story to give them!

**Then let the plot progress! Move forward and start speaking if something happens! If not, I can just make something happen. **

I don't trust you making something happen. You'd probably kidnap the first woman we see if I let you.

**I most certainly would not. I would kidnap the first FEMALE I see. Get your terms straight.**

Do you see the insanity I have to live through every day? Anyway, we're-no, I'm, dang pronouns- walking down the streets of Cleveland. Trying to figure out how to get to this freaking park. And it's not the nice part of town, either. While the buildings aren't quite decrepit, it's just got that feeling that it isn't safe. But you just have to keep on walking and hope you figure out where you made that wrong turn. Despite still seeming a bit ghetto, the area looks pretty nice. For inner city, that is. No piles of trash in abandoned lots and stuff like that.

A nice breeze blows down the street, the scent of the distant lake the wind originated from nearly detectable under the stench of the city. The breeze grew stronger, fluttering through my hair, and I stood there for a moment, reveling in the delightful sensations of the wind billowing my burgundy jacket around me. Getting just a bit chilly, I fold the collar up vampire style for a little extra warmth around the neck and reach over my head to pull my… hair? Where is my…? Oh crap!

**NOT THE FEDORA!**

I turn to see my beloved fedora flying away on the gust of wind. "FUCK!" So everyone in a 5 mile radius heard me swear as I ran down the street like a maniac chasing down a flying hat. I can only imagine what that must have looked like to someone else. And another thing, I can't run worth shit. At best I get a good sprint. Marathon would literally kill me. And not the literally that is metaphorically that grammar Nazis complain about. Actually literally the stress of running 24 miles would probably actually kill me.

**ENOUGH THINKING! GRAB THAT HAT!**

Why won't this wind stop! Come on just a little... further… GOT IT!

**THE FEDORA IS SAFE!**

As I put my beloved fedora back on its rightful pedestal, I actually look around. I wound up running into real ghetto. "Shit" Around me were really torn up buildings and junk lots. Real bad shit. So now I'm even more lost and stuck in the ghetto. Just great. Better get looking for a way to that park or the -

"AAAAHHH!"

**Is that a feminine scream of fear I detect?**

No Will, it's the mating call of the rare Vietnamese elephant shrew. Of course it's a girl screaming! We're in the freaking ghetto!

**I say we investigate!**

Dude, I don't want to get into this.

**Come ON!**

I don't know whether it was pure curiosity, Will's nagging, or just my suicidal tendencies that made me investigate, but I found myself peering into a dark alley to see two obvious gangstas advancing on a lovely ebony lady that _really _looked like she did NOT want to be there.

**Holy shit! A rape scene! This could be good!**

Shut. The fuck. UP! A woman is about to get raped and you wanna WATCH! We have to do something!

**Oo! Idea! We got our archery stuff on us. Let's skewer 'em like Green Arrow!**

I only got the foam tips for LARP. They ain't gonna do squat!

**Then whack 'em in the head with the arrows and run like hell!**

Against my better judgment, I actually listened to the crazy voice in my head. Bad Idea right there. So I grabbed two foam ball tipped arrows out of my quiver and aimed both arrows at each of their heads. Probably idiotic to try a double shot, but I don't want to stand there long enough to fret another arrow. So from the edge of the corner, I aimed the arrows and let go of the string, sending the foam tips flying at the gangsters' heads.

They didn't hit anything.

Specifically, they didn't hit anything because some weird portal thing opened up between me and them that ate the arrows up.

**The fuck?! Weird sci-fi portals opening up in the middle of Cleveland?**

I could hear the gangsters cussing and running away from the portal as I just stood staring, paralyzed with fear.

**Maybe it's like Primeval and a raptor will jump out or something?**

Well, something did jump out of the portal. Two large robotic legs came out of the portal, followed by the rest of the robot body. Spider leg bottom and humanoid torso with gun hands. That's as much detail as I got before I turned tail and ran the fuck away from there!

**Seriously? The first real sci-fi shit of our life, and you don't have the guts to go up all "we come in peace"?**

Guns for hands, Will! That typically means evil take over robots!

**Maybe it's me from the future trying to kill off me from the past!**

Dude, you said you'd use genetic super soldiers. But if it is my stupid sci-fi book coming true-

"SHIT!" I'm falling. Running from a giant robot, I fucking TRIP! Get up, get up! O crap, something's got my leg! Dafuq? The robot wrapped some kinda cable around my ankle. And it's sending more out!

**I DON'T WANT TO BE ON THIS SIDE OF THE TENTACLE RAPE!**

I try swinging at the cables with my bow, but it's no use. The robot's got me! Within a moment of my screaming, it's retracted the cables and is holding my like a hunter holds a prize rabbit, dangling by my feet. And then it walks right back into the portal. And whoa, did that feel weird!

When we make it out, we enter into what looks like a cross between a chem lab and a metal shop, with weird machinery that looks like it belongs in a comic book.

**Dude, we just got abducted by a freaking robot! We're probably in a comic book at this point!**

It does look very evil lair-ish. Look, there's even minions working the machines!

"Finally I have captured my first alien!" A strange voice said from in front of the robot that was dragging us. "Let me see our first catch!" The robot swung me up be the legs so I was hanging face to face with what must have been the most stereotypically mad scientist looking person I had ever seen outside of a con. We just stared at each other for a moment of awkwardness.

"I think you got the wrong species," I finally quipped as blood rushed to my head.

"I guess the aliens have been able to disguise themselves as those damned humans," the mad scientist spoke as he turned around, revealing a fracking fluffy tail!

**Ah, self-experimentation? A mad scientist after my own heart!**

"I should start dissecting this one now! See how the can look so much like those idiot humans."

Oh, shit! I really don't want to see my insides right now!

**But I kinda do. If I can just get my hands in there, I might be able to do something about that dang spastic colon!**

NOT the time, Will! The mad scientist turned back around, now wielding a freaking hand saw as the robot dropped me onto one of those freaking metal table, my bow dropping to the floor. Before I could even move to escape, more cables from the table coiled around my limbs, pinning me to the table awkwardly with my quiver keeping me up slightly.

"Let's see what makes you tick," The mad scientist with the fluffy tail said as he aimed his saw at the middle of my gut. Holy shit I'm going to be fucking cut open by some whacked out evil genius like in some comic book! Where's the superhero when you need one!

"Gah!" The scientist suddenly screamed in pain, as blood started to leak from his shoulder. An arrow head had pierced his shoulder. A freaking arrow. As fluffy tail starts dancing around in pain, I turn my head to see a Hawkeye-like character with an epic blue spiked hairdo like Mister Freeze from the 2000s The Batman show shoot one of the minions with an arrow topped with some cartridge. Once the arrow hit the dude, he just fell over convulsing. Ok, we are so definitely in a comic book!

**Aw, Taser arrow? Why couldn't he just shoot the guy through the heart? Or explosive arrows?**

Our savior shot down another lab grunt as the big freaking robot that kidnapped me joined the fray. The archer quickly fretted a red tipped arrow into his compound bow and shot it at the bot, exploding the robot's head unit! There's your freaking explosives, Will!

But unfortunately, whoever built the machine was actually smart enough to not put anything important in the head, and the robot started firing at the archer with its gun hands. The guy just dodge rolled out of the way, even out maneuvering the bot and got behind it. Then the epicness started.

The archer just threw his compound bow in the air and it just split in half, right at the handle. Then fucking scythe blades unfolded from the bow as the handles descended to the ends. The archer caught each half in a different hand and swung one of the new kusarigama through one of the robot's arm guns. He kept hacking through the robot with his hand-scythes until the robot was nothing but a pile of scrap.

**You've watched way too much anime if you know the name of those things off-hand.**

Shut up Will. After incapacitating everything in the room that could move freely, the archer finally seemed to notice me. With a few well-placed slices, I was free.

"Holy Jesus, thanks man!" I said as I rubbed my wrists free of the cables. He just stared at me strangely. "Do you mind if I ask what's going on?"

"You don't know why you were abducted?" he said in disbelief.

"Why the hell would I? A portal just popped out of nowhere, a robot kidnapped me and then that mad scientist came at me with a band saw! How the heck should I what's going on!?"

**Isn't it obvious? He needed a perfect specimen, and I was the only one in the multiverse good enough for his maniacalness. **

"Long story short, you got abducted by Shadow Claw, a radical splinter of the White Fang. I'm here to try to beat this cell into submission." He answered me, then spoke under his breath, "Dang bastard Faunus are abducting random people off the street now? What could they be planning?"

**Wait a sec! White Fang? Faunus? You think that maybe-**

"But anyway, I'ma here to save your sorry ass hide!" the archer cut off Will with a flourish of snarky bravado. "So let's get your ass somewhere far away from these freaks!" He then looked down and picked my fallen bow off the ground. "So, can you fight with this thing?" He asked as he examined it.

"I have some practice combat experience," LARP is pretty close to real combat, just with foam instead of metal.

"Well, here's some RL experience to help you with that," he said as he tossed my bow, "Cause we're gonna have to fight our way outta here." Wanting to get the hell out of there, I jumped up to follow.

And I hit the ceiling.

I don't mean I bumped it or anything. It was a head first slam into the roof. Now normally for me, it's like the saying; "white guys can't jump." And here I am, face planted into the ceiling.

**Wow, did that guy give us superpowers or something? This is awesome!**

"That's some jump you got there." the archer commented as I landed on my ass.

"How the fuck I do that?" I asked aloud as I rubbed my sore head.

"How should I know?" The archer shrugged, "At any rate, we better get moving." He said as he rushed out of the door. I followed, stepping _very _lightly out into the hallway to see the archer shoot down another goon. But as soon as that guy fell, another couple came running down the hall wielding knives. I kid you not, knives. Come on! They had robots with Gatling arms! You think the henchies would have pistols at least! Not that I'm complaining.

"You take the two on the right!" the archer called to me as he hit another down. Frack! I have to do something. Since this guy is a-shooting arrows, I pull one of my useless foam ball tipped arrows out of my quiver and aim at the guy's knife. I let go and the foam tip hits the guy's knife, knocking it out of his hands. I fret another and aim for the guy's face this time. The foam ball whacks the guy in the face and somehow it's enough to make him fall backwards into the guy behind him. Which is weird, cause the LARP arrows are normally like fast tennis balls, not enough to send a guy reeling like that.

Now that he had eliminated his own targets, the archer easily took the bewildered goons out. He quickly grabbed a few of his arrows from the downed minions and grabbed the two foam tips I had used to return them. "What kinda arrows are these?"

"There, uh, for combat practice, so we can practice hitting a human target without hurting them," That is pretty much what LARP is, sort of. I don't know why I didn't wanna say LARP, but I just didn't.

"Huh, that's actually a good idea," he said, as if the idea of non-injurious training was a new concept to him. "But were not in training anymore. If you don't have any useful arrows, take a few of these," he said pulling a few out of his… shoulder? What I thought was his shoulder pad instead turned out to be his quiver, the arrows somehow collapsed in it. The arrows unfolded as he drew them for me, most with flatheads, but a few had freaking Tasers on them. "I not gonna trust you with the explosive arrows, though."

"Thanks, uh, what's your name?" I asked as I put his arrows in my norm quiver.

"Temperance Baihu, hunter extraordinaire!" He announced with a mock bow, "And you?"

"Ben Andrews."

"Nice to know you Ben. Now that intros are outta the way, let's get going." So we set off, every one of my steps propelling me controlled to avoid face-planting into a wall.

**Hey Ben.**

Will! You've been quiet for a while, it's been so nice! I jested as we rounded a corner.

**I've been thinking-**

That'd be a first.

**Yeah, I know. But I think we're in another dimension. Specifically the one from RWBY. Think about it. That guy that was gonna gut us had a tail, and Tempy over there mentioned White Fang and Faunus.**

Wha?! How could we…

**Come on man! A robot that looked just like the ones in Blake's trailer abducted us through a portal! It's staring us in the face! Come on! In what other universe would a guy going up against terrorists with deathbots use a bow/hand-scythe as his weapon? **

"Holy shit, I'm on another planet" I blurted out as we continued running. Mr. Baihu just stared at me very strangely as we kept running.

"Really?" he said with more disbelief.

"I know the planet I'm from does not have tech like I've seen here. Even the highest tech robots we got can't do half of what these bots have done, and I KNOW that nobody from my world has tails!" I rant as we head down a flight of stairs, strangely no goons are attacking. "That could even explain the super jump I had, if this place has weaker gravity."

**Might also explain the huge amount of physics breaking that this show does.**

"Just to confirm it, what is this planet called?"

"Remnant," Temperance answered bewildered as we got to the first floor.

**RWBY CONFIRMED!**

"Well, my planet's called Earth, so now I'm sure that this was some kinda interdimensional portal I got sucked through." Wow, interdimensional travel. My sci-fi dreams have finally come true!

"GET DOWN!" Temperance's scream pulled me out of my thoughts as I hit the dirt. Bullets dug holes into the wall behind me, looking like somebody was swearing in braille. I looked up to see a small army of Gatling bots pointing their arm guns at us. "Stay down." Temperance whispered. So I followed the smart guy's advice… and the robots had me in the cables again.

**WHY MUST I BE ON THIS SIDE OF THE TENTACLES!?**

"Relax, Ben," Temp told me as the robots carried us off upside-down. "All part of the plan." Excellent plan you have here. "When I give the word, shoot anything that moves." _Very_ effective plan there. So the bots carried us up to the top of the building, hanging us like sausage. They brought into some kinda office, and who would be there but Dr. Fluffytail, and ruff looking BAMF Faunus with rabbit ears that was wielding what looked like boomerang pistols.

**So you can make bunny ears intimidating. Good to know. Maybe I can use them in my minions.**

"I see you finally got my specimen back," the fluffy tailed madman spoke to the bots.

"So, you _are_ the ass hat in charge here," Temp smirked in realization, "this made my job a lot easier." With that his blades sliced out through the cables, freeing himself and me. "SHOOT EVERYTHING!" he screamed as we fell to the ground. So after my head hit the floor, I fretted a couple arrows and spun on my back to shoot a few bots. MAN that felt epic! Sliced right through em! Between us two archers, the bots were down in seconds.

"Ya wanna give up n-" Temp began, before being interrupted by rabbit ears' gunfire. This is gonna be epic. But as Temp and Mr. Bunny dueled out, Fluffy started after me with his band-saw in hand.

"I will dissect you alien!" Sheesh, this guy is still on this? I grabbed the Taser bolt and shot it straight at his face, just for him to cut it in half. Sawblade swung down and I rolled away. He slashed again, and all I could do from position was to push the blade out of my path with my bow. It was like a circular spinning knife through bow shaped butter. Shit I'm gonna die! I did all I could think to do; jump away. I collided with the far wall. What?

**Did you forget about the gravity assist superpowers we got?**

Oh, yeah. But bigger problems now. Now I got no weapon and Dr. Fluffy is coming back for round two and- HOLY SHIT! BOOMERANG INCOMING! Fetal position saves my life yet again! The bladed boomerang gun spun back around the room, and whizzed by Doc McFluff, disorienting him from his pursuit.

Temperance looked away from his fight for a split second to see if I was alright, a big smile on his face. The boomerang was returning to its owner, through Temp's arm.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Time seemed to slow down as his scream filled the room. Blood was splattered on the floor as the gunman reclaimed his gun, smiling. Temp's scythes scattered across the floor, along with his arm, falling into a fast forming puddle of blood. Everyone in the room stared at Temperance as he fell to his knees, the Faunus with a look of glee. My face probably didn't even react yet, from the shock.

"No. **HELL FUCKING NO!" **Without me even knowing what was going on, my body suddenly launched forward and grabbed Temp's blades. Before I knew it, my body was fighting the gunman with Temp's scythes. I'm no longer in control. WILL!

**Don't talk. Now is for VENGEANCE!**

Normally, Will taking over would be the worst thing possible. He hacked and slashed the gunman, gaining ground, pushing him back. Doc Fluff came in from the side and hacked with his saw, but somehow Will blocked it, the saw grinding sparks off the blade of the scythe. Then Will kicked the rabbit guy in the nuts. It must have looked epic. Then a sweep kick to Fluff's legs and he was on the floor.

HEY WILL! The guys are down! Help Temp!

**Fine, jeez. You don't have to yell!**

So Will grabbed Temp by the shoulder and pulled him up, slinging him over the shoulder, his blood started to flow down our arm. Wow, mini-Gs for the win. We ran, all we could do was run. Will slashed at a fire alarm with his free blade, probably to distract the pursuers with the alarms that blared and the torrent of sprinkle water that fell on us.

**Nope, looking for the fire exit.**

Or that. That works too. The emergency exit signs were glowing, and somehow in English. Will followed the lights at full speed, and ran out a red door, to almost run off the side of the fire-escape to the street far below.

"**Shit, that've been anticlimactic." **Will started running in circles, desperately descending the metal staircase, never glancing back to check on pursuers.

"Ben…" Temperance groaned out. OMG he's alive.

"**Shit, you're awake, Temp! Hold on, safety on the way!"**

"Behind…" was all he got out. Now when someone is using what could possibly be their dying breath to say behind, you had better freaking look behind you! WILL FREAKING TURN AROUND! He turned and low and behold, boomerang had us in his sights.

"**Time for epic!" **As boomerang bunny shot down at us, Will rolled to the other under the stairs to dodge, Temp, kinda flopping off to the side. Then Will started to fiddle with the buttons on the scythes. Now is NOT the time to fiddle with things man!

"**Just gotta figure out which button… GOT IT!" **The scythes whirred as the blade retracted and it turned onto a bow once again. Will grabbed an arrow out of Temp's miniquiver, topped with a red cartridge with an exploding smiley face painted on as Bunnyrang jumped down.

"**Eat exploding arrow, bi-atch!" ** The arrow sailed towards him as the he tossed his gunblade at it. The arrow and gun collided in midair, filling it with fire. Will didn't care. He didn't even stare at the flames. He just Launch arrow after arrow into the cloud of fire, aiming at where the gunman was. When the smoke cleared, the gunman lay on the stairs, scorched with a few arrows sticking out of his chest.

"**Well, that was fun. Ben, I've had my recommended dose of blood for the day, so I'm giving you the reins again. Get Tempy to the doc, like, yesterday-delivery fast." **And with that, I had my body back. I didn't revel in the return of control I normally got. I grabbed Temp and ran. When we got to the bottom, the police had surrounded the building.

"Help, him!" I cried as I ran out to the waiting line of officers. They ran up and carried the injured hunter away, as I fell to my knees, adrenaline starting to be replaced by fatigue. The cops started to circle around me, but before I could answer any questions, a strong presence pushed them aside. And who should look down on me but a certain Huntress professor, with a girl in a red hood in tow.


	3. The Desolation of Cookies

"So would you mind explaining what happened today, and why my colleague is missing a limb?" So, I'm being interrogated by Ms. Glynda Goodwitch of the North. In an actually police interrogation room. And who came up with the lighting scheme in these rooms?! You got one light bulb just dangling over a table! Seriously!

"Well, long story short, I got kidnapped by a robot, it pulled me into another dimension, and a mad scientist tried to dissect me alive. Then Mr. Baihu came in and saved me, we fought our way out, and Temperance got his arm cut off by a boomerang gun. I grabbed him and hightailed it outta there. And here we are." Yup. That brings us to right now.

"How about long story long?" Of course, it's always details, details, details.

**Great, now we're going to need to summarize Chapter 1!**

Don't break the fourth wall, Will! And it's been like two months since we updated, so a recap would be welcome.

**But I love breaking things! You have a point there, though.**

"Alright, First, I was walking through Cleveland-big city in my dimension-trying to find a park for an archery event. I got lost, and I came upon some gangstas that looked like they were gonna mug this girl. So I went in to help, but this portal popped up and a robot came out of it &amp; carried me off into the portal. The portal led back to a lab where some mad scientist guy with a tail wanted to cut me open, calling me an alien the whole time."

"So you're telling me that terrorists developed interdimensional travel, and kidnapped you to run experiments on aliens?" Goodwitch was glaring at me.

"Yeah, it's pretty unbelievable, but I know that at the very least I'm on a different planet."

**And the fact that you're from a fictional action show is pretty convincing evidence.**

"Just go on with your story," She obviously didn't believe my story.

"Well, just before the scientist gutted me, Mr. Baihu shot him through the arm, and then took out the rest of the goons in the lab, including the bot that captured me. He freed me, and that's when I found out something was up with physics cause I hit the ceiling."

"You, hit… the ceiling?" She asked with disbelief. This is going to be a hard pill for these people to swallow.

**Peilz here!**

Shut up Will. "I jumped off the dissection table, and left a dent in the ceiling the shape of my face. I figure that Remnant must have less gravity than Earth, so I basically get a gravity assist to jumps and strength and all that." She stared at me. Did I go over her head with the science?

"Well, if you did get superpowers, would you care to demonstrate?" Apparently not.

"Sure," With that I got up and jumped. Once again, my head collided with the acoustic tiling overhead. I really hope this doesn't become a recurring gag. "As you can see, I'm not used to this strength yet," I said as I rubbed my head. At least I didn't land on my ass this time.

"Alright," Ms. Goodwitch stated, only slightly affected by my self-injurious demonstration. "Please continue with your little tale." What, she still doesn't believe me?

**People have superpowers here, Ben. Ceiling dents could be a part of life here.**

"Well, then we started fighting our way out," I continued my 'little tale,' "Once we got to the bottom, we got ambushed by a gang of robots. Mr. Baihu saved me from a string of bullets, but the robots caught us and brought us to their leader, who happened to be the guy that was gonna gut me. Mr. Baihu cut us out and we fought him and this enforcer with bunny ears and boomerang guns. One of those guns chopped off Temp's arm, even though it was meant for me…" **Oh, shit. That gun should've taken off my head, but now Temp is missing a arm. Oh god, oh god, oh god-**

SNAP OUT OF IT MAN! Don't go into breakdown now. Come on! We need to finish the story! For the readers man!

Right, right. After a calming sigh, I continued "After that I grabbed Temp's weapon, fought of the guys and carried him out of there. Got him down on the fire escape and then you found me there at the bottom. And here we are now." **Goodbitch**, no Good_witch, _fuck you, Will, just stared at me as I finished my story. Hopefully she believes me.

"Well, your story seems incredibly implausible." Well that'd be a no. "But I will have to discuss this with my colleagues. Please go into the waiting room while we figure this out."

**Aren't the interrogators supposed to be the ones to leaves?**

Do you really wanna question her about that, Will? Without waiting for a reply from either of them, I left the room, lest to incur her wrath. So I walked into the waiting room, and who would be seating in the only bench there but our beloved title character nervously fidgeting, most likely waiting for her own serendipitous interrogation.

**Oh god it's Ruby. We are actually in the same room with Ruby! OMG I can't believe this is happening!**

Will, are you... fanboying?

**Of course! It's freaking Ruby! She's bad-ass and super-cute at the same time! Why wouldn't I! Please go sit by her! Please! I so want to talk with her!**

I'll sit by her, but I'm doing the talking. I don't trust you around her.

**But you don't know how to speak to girls!**

Just fuck off. Well, I guess I have to sit next to her at any rate. "Uh, hey," I begin, already the epitome of suave. "Mind if I sit next to you?"

"Um, I guess, sure," was her somewhat absent response. She scooted over slightly and I sat down next to her.

**OMG! We are sitting next Ruby! Say something!**

What should I say? I've got no clue what I need to say. Start with a pick up line? What the fuck am I gonna say?!

"Soo, uh, what are you in for?" thankfully I was not the one to break the awkward silence that I made. Ruby was actually the one to ask.

**Do NOT make a fool of yourself now! Actually do something cool for a change!**

"I kinda got kidnapped by alien terrorists. What about you?"

**Mental facepalm.**

Ruby's eyes expanded to huge moons of silver at my incredible story. "Aliens!? You were abducted by aliens?! What happened? You get experimented on? How did you get back to Remnant?"

"Well I didn't technically get back here. I'm from a planet called Earth. Some weird scientist with a tail kidnapped me to this planet and tried to experiment on me."

**Wait a sec. doesn't that mean that we're the-**

"Oh my god! You're an alien!?" Ruby screamed in my face, her face stretched with pure awe.

"I come in peace." I revealed my inner Trekkie by giving the classic Vulcan hand sign.

**Hopefully that doesn't mean "fuck you" in Vytalese. Speaking of which, do you think they are speaking English or we just got a translator somehow?**

IDK. We'll have to test that somehow. But anyway, back to the hot girl that is freaking out about the alien in front of her, which is me.

"OMG! I'm talking with an alien! This is crazy. I mean what are the chances I'd meet a huntress and an alien on the same night? What is your planet like? Do you have spaceships? Do you normally look like a human, or do you shape shift? Do you have tentacles?" Ruby fired out in her rapid, awkward speech that was so adorable.

**Oh, I sure would like to get my tentacle all over your-**

Shut the fucking hell up, Will! "I don't have any shape shifting powers. This is how I always look."

"Oh," she said slightly disappointed.

"What's that supposed to mean! What's wrong with my appearance?" I joked.

"No, it's not that!" she quickly apologized, flailing her arms around in blur of apology. "I mean you look pretty nice, but I just expected aliens to you know look not like humans or that. Oh did I just say I think you look nice, I mean you don't look ugly or anything, not that I'm saying you look hot or anything. Cause that'd be weird, thinking an alien was hot now wouldn't that?" Her words flew out in her awkward flurry as he face blushed as red as her cloak.

Wait, did she just call me hot in that blur of words?

**GO WITH IT! Actually, let me go with it!**

"**Don't worry; it can't be that weird to think that. I'm sure our genetics are probably compatible." **Will actually said aloud, in his "awesome suave voice," before I could even protest.

Oh fucking NO WILL! You are not hitting on Ruby!

**Why the fuck not? She's a hot, badass girl, why shouldn't I try to hit on her?**

Cause she's fifteen! We're like 4 years older than her!

**And that matters how? **

Ok Will, tell you what. You still like your furries, right?

**Like hell I do!**

Why don't you try going after Blake? You can get yourself a nice catgirl that is at least 17.

**That is an awesome idea, but I must ask the question brought up by one wise Mexican girl: "Why not both?"**

Because that would pedophilia AND polygamy. I have a feeling those probably aren't legal here.

**How do you know? That could be common place here.**

Can you just please turn your sexually energies to the hot catgirl? It'll be easier on all of us. And can you please give me our body back?

**Fiiiiiine. Sheesh, you'd think you would have wanted to get laid, but NO! You want to stay a virgin! Fine, have your body back!**

Wahoo! Got my body back! But apparently, while I was I arguing with myself, the conversation was left with a _very_ awkward silence. Just great.

"Um…" I began "Sorry? That was a little, uncalled for."

"That's alright," Ruby replied with a nervous giggle before turning away; face red as her namesake flower.

**Yeah, romantic tension!**

That's not a good thing Will! This is awkward as fuck!

**But quite enjoyable to watch.**

"So, let's try to restart this less awkwardly. I didn't introduce myself yet, have I? I'm Ben Andrews." I said extending my hand in friendship.

"Ruby. Ruby Rose." She grabbed my hand and we shook.

**Oh god her skin is so nice!**

Just keep your mind on the catgirl, Will.

**Alright!**

Jeez, I didn't need the visual!

**Hey, just thought of something. Should we be somewhat concerned that Ruby immediately believed us?**

That… is a valid point. We should probably ask. "Hey, Ruby. Why did-"

And then I was so nicely interrupted by the Good witch of Beacon. "There is someone here that would like to see the both of you." Oh, is this when Ozpin shows up?

**It's just like the show!**

Sure enough, the headmaster of Beacon Academy came out of the door wielding his trusty coffee mug and a plateful of chocolate chip cookies.

"Ben Andrews," He began, "And Ruby Rose." His face moved in straight for Ruby, staring into her eyes intensely. "You, have silver eyes." And there was the creepy line.

**Total pedo**.

"And you look remarkably human for an alien," he stated, changing his gaze to me. I shrugged, couldn't come up with a good response.

"I have been reviewing the footage of both of your fights." As he said that, Goodwitch brought up footage on her Awesome Sci-fi iPad. Half had Ruby's awesome fight scene for ep 1, and the other half had footage of my fight with the evil doc.

"So where did you learn to do this?" he asked bending his head into an awkward angle to indicate the screen without needing to move his coffee.

"S-Signal Academy" she stuttered a little under his gaze.

"They taught you to use one of the most dangerous weapons ever designed?" Isn't that what these academies DO, though?

"Well, one teacher in particular," and here comes the hinting at the past.

"I see," At this, he laying the tray of cookies on the small table in front of us. We both stared at the pile of deliciousness that lay before us. Tentatively I reached out to grab a cookie as Ruby did the same. I brought my cookie to my mouth, took a bite, and

**Oh, mouthgasm! These are effing delicious! NEED COOKIES!**

I think you're a little late, Will. As I was munching my delicious cookie of awesome, Ruby had gone into a feeding frenzy, virtually inhaling the cookies off the plate.

**Yikes! Don't get between her and a baked good!**

Ozpin continued talking, ignoring the cookie massacre in front of him. "It's just I've only seen one other scythe wielder of that skill before… a dusty old crow."

"Dat's muh uncaru." Ruby commented through what must have been at least five cookies in her mouth, "*gulp* sorry, that's my uncle Qrow, he's a teacher at Signal. I was complete garbage before he took me under his wing. And now, I'm all like heya, wacha, ooyah!" Ruby demonstrated with her adorkable kung-fu moves with correct attack noises.

A downward arm slice almost whacked me in the head, but I managed to block with an arm, and a very necessary "Keyia!" burst from my mouth. We both stared at each other for an awkward moment, and then we both laughed in synch.

Goodwitch rolled her eyes at the scene of juvenility, but Ozpin nearly chuckled as he responded "So I've noticed. And what is an adorable girl like yourself doing at a school designed to train warriors?"

"Well," Ruby began, calming herself from her giggle fit, "I want to be a huntress"

"You want to slay monsters?" He asked. If the Red trailer was anything to go by, I'd say yes.

"Yeah, I only have two more years of training left at Signal, and then I'm going to apply to Beacon. See my sister's starting there this year. See she's trying to become a huntress, and I'm trying to become a huntress because I wanna help people. My parents always taught us to help other's so I thought, 'well why not make a career out of it?' I mean policemen are alright, but huntresses are just so much more exciting, awesome, romantic, and YAHHA, you know?" Ruby's exposition/backstory blurred out of her mouth, accelerating as she went. Then Ozpin and Ruby just stared at each other.

**Awkward much?**

"Do you know how I am?" Ozpin asked, hopefully rhetorically.

"You're professor Ozpin, you're the headmaster at Beacon" Ruby answered calmly, with a bit of awe mixed in.

"Hello"

"Nice to meet you" Are we just getting to the salutations?

"You want to come to my school?" I think she said that a few sentences ago.

"More than anything!" The look of determination on her face was powerful.

Ozpin smiled. "Well, ok" Ruby's face lit up like a Christmas tree. She looked like she was about to burst in pure joy.

"Oh. M. G! You mean I'm actually going to get into Beacon?! Oh god this is amazing! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" And she did practically explode in joy, waving her arms around as she cried with ecstatic joy.

"Yes, I think you'll be perfect for Beacon. I think we can work on the detail a little later." Then Ozpin looked at me. "But first I would like to talk with you, Mr. Andrews."

Now that he is looking at me, the intimidation that Ruby was feeling was squarely put on me. I'm actually getting really nervous just from the look. "Yes, sir?" I reply, putting on the formalities now.

"You say that you were dragged here from another dimension by Shadow Claw to be experimented on?" Damn it! Why does no one believe me?

**Would you believe you?**

Probably right there. "Yes! A portal popped up when I was trying to save this girl from gangsters and robot jumped out. It caught me and dragged me through to where that Faunus scientist tried to dissect me before Mr. Baihu came in and saved me. We fought our way out, but Temp got his... arm chopped off by that boomerang gun…"

**DAMN MY LIFE! I still have his freaking bow on me for Christ's sake!**

"Don't worry about Mr. Baihu." Ozpin interjected into my somber silence, "He is in the hospital and at last report was in stable condition." HALLELUJAH!

"That's good to hear," I sighed in relief. At least my little accident didn't end in my savior's death.

"I am sure you're aware of how incredulous your story sounds, Mr. Andrews. You're tale is very difficult one to accept," Ozpin brought up the elephant in the room. Or whatever the elephantine Grimm is likely to be called.

"Yeah, I wouldn't believe me if I was you either," I admitted the futility of my trying to get people to believe me. But the truth is the truth! "But I swear I'm not making this up! This is not my home planet!"

'Well, I must disagree there," **Damn, no one believes us. **"But I believe you."

_**Say wha?**_

"Y-you believe me?" my stutter came back a little at the news he really believed my odyssey.

"We do have some compelling evidence," he said, once again head bobbing to indicate the scroll in Glynda's hand. Now it showed the lab with the strange portal in the center. The footage showed the tentacle-kidnap-bot entering the portal and then a few moments later, returning with me in its mechanical tendrils. "Some of our people managed to hack Shadow Claw's system before the building was destroyed. They were definitely fiddling with some kind of teleporter, but the computers were destroyed before we could get any useful details."

"I told you I wasn't lying." Finally, they believe me!

"And then the medical scans," Ozpin continued, Glynda handing him the scroll. The image changed to an image of me, bifurcated. I could see my innards in all their dysfunctional glory. "While you seem mostly human, but a few things seem a little different. Could you possibly tell me what this is?" He asked pointing to a blab on my left side. Alright, high school anatomy, don't fail me now!

"I believe that to be my spleen," Well probably. I've never seen my insides.

**Yeah, cause you haven't let me cut us open yet!**

"Spleen?" Ozpin asked, obviously having no clue what this "spleen" thing was.

"It's a lymphatic organ. Stores blood cells and helps fight infections." AP A&amp;P FTW!

**Hey, wait a sec. When did they take this scan? I did not see any scanners anywhere near us!**

Probably the same place they had the cameras for the tests in the forest.

"A spleen, huh?" Ozpin pondered. "Well I think that we have enough evidence to believe your story." Yay! Now we are official excepted as aliens! Wait, is that a good thing? "But now there is the issue of what to do with 'this alien.'"

**OH FUCK! The Templar government is gonna send us to area 51 and run long tests on us to test viruses for the upcoming invasion!**

Wrong planet, man. But, yeah, I don't like the idea of being an alien too much either. Maybe… The portal! "Can't you send me back home? We cleared out the Shadow Claw, so don't you have that portal they used?"

Ozpin's face dropped in a way that my heart dropped with it. "I am sorry. After you were evacuated, the building self-destructed. The portal is gone."

**.**

**..**

**...**

**Oooooooooh, god. We, we're, trapped? Stuck here? No way home? Ohgodohgodohgod…**

"A-are you s-sure?" I stuttered as the impact of getting stuck on a planet with no way to return struck me. "There's no way to repair it? Nobody working on this stuff somewhere else? Blueprints?"

"I am sorry, there was nothing to recover. All the tech and data were completely destroyed. I doubt there is anyone else on the planet even working on this."

"No way home... My family... friends... I will never see them again…" My head fell into my hands. **Trapped. No way home. Tears started to coat my hands. My brother, my sister, my parents. I could never see them again**.

All my loved ones, gone from me.

"Hey, don't start crying," I heard Ruby's calm voice through my sobbing as her hand rested on my shoulder. I looked at her through teary eyes as she continued. "Don't lose hope. You'll find a way home, I'm sure."

Breath, man. Just breathe. I sighed, forcing the flow of tears to stop. "Thanks Ruby. I'll try to keep it together." I wiped the tears of my face, and looked at everyone. "Sorry about that. I can be pretty emotional."

Ozpin looked at me with a look of understanding. "It is completely understandable."

Another breath. Let's get this conversation back on topic. "So, now that I'm stuck here, what are you planning to do with 'this alien?'?"

"How old are you?" Ozpin asked.

**That's random as shit.**

"Um, 19, in Earth years at least," I answered. "Why do you ask?"

"My plan for you right now is to place you in my school Beacon Academy." he answered, "That way you can come to learn about our world in a safe environment and the military gets to keep the close eye on you that they want."

"Wait, military?"

**THE FEDS ARE AFTER US!**

"I suppose I am should explain, since you wouldn't know," Ozpin began to explain what had only been fan speculation prior, "Our world, Remnant, is being invaded by creatures of darkness called Grimm. My school, Beacon Academy, trains young people to become hunters, warriors to defend the world from the forces of Grimm. Young people like Miss Rose here." Ruby seemed to like the acknowledgement. "As you might expect, this is a function of the military, who, as you might imagine, are very interested you. Certain of them will want to have you locked up and studied."

**It IS Area 51 all over again!**

"But I may be able to convince them to leave you to my school. That way you'll be surrounded by capable military personnel constantly, but still have as much freedom as any student." He stopped to take a sip of his coffee. "What do you think? I saw you are a somewhat capable fighter. Do you think you would be willing to learn how to fight monsters?"

**OH GOD YES! We get to go to badass school!**

"Well, considering my other options-which are none-I think that Beacon sounds like a good idea." OMG we get to slay monsters!

"Oh this is so cool; I get to go to school with an alien!" Ruby cheered out. "Do you have some cool weapon to hunt the Grimm with?"

"Well, I have…" as I grabbed the scythe-bow from my belt, it hit me that I still had Temp's weapon on me. And the fact he was in the hospital. Because of me.

"Oh, shit." I cursed under my breath. I looked to Ozpin, his colleague's weapon in my hand.

"Would it be possible to see Temperance? I still have his weapon, and I still need to thank him." Ozpin could hear the silent "for saving my life," and nodded.

"I think a visit would be appropriate"

* * *

**Beep. Beep. Beep**.

Shut up Will, you don't sound like a heart monitor.

**Ah, kill joy.**

So here we are, sitting in the waiting room, waiting, obviously, to go see Temp.

**When will they let us in there?**

As if on cue, the door to Temperance's room opened and two people that looked like they had to be his kids came out. The dude had his hairstyle, but flame red, so it just kinda looked like a flame. And the dragon shirt under the black and orange hoodie kept the fire theme up. And the girl was

**HOTHOTHOTHOTHOT!**

You kidding man? She is definitely ice themed. Blue hair, blue gloves and boots. Her half jacket has a freaking snowflake on it!

**Not what I mean! I mean, SEXYSEXYSEXYSEXYSEXY! Look at dat bod. Those short-shorts, and ohh, that midriff. **

Go back to your Blake fantasies. We don't need you running off at every female you see.

**You know your little plan to contain me with furries is going to fail epically when we actually see Blake. Now that you got me so worked up about her, when I see her toned ass you ain't gonna be able to stop my hand from touching it.**

CRAP! Didn't think that far ahead! Why do I have such a pervert in my head?

**Hey, we're all in this together. You know, one coin, two sides. I'm as much you as you.**

I don't need a reminder. I've been talking to myself for years; you don't think I don't know that already? Let's just go give Temperance his stuff back. So we/I entered the hospital room to see the spiky archer hooked up to a bunch of equipment that was all beeping and buzzing. His arm stump all wrapped up.

"Hey, there's the sorry-ass alien kid I saved today!" Temp cried as he laid eyes on my "sorry ass hide"

"Hey there Temp, how's the hospital life treating you?" I said trying to sound a bit happier, but failing at that rather miserably.

"Well, I have to_ hand_ it to them, the service here is pretty good, but I'll bet that it's gonna cost me an arm and a leg, though, or maybe just an arm." Did he just…

**That's the spirit; make fun of your own disability! **

Temp started to crack up at his own joke, and I caved and started laughing by metaphorical ass off. "Well you seem to be taking your amputation rather well." And I think those puns just proved this had to be English we're speaking.

"Hey, if you can't laugh at yourself, you probably don't own a mirror," he joked again. He seems a lot more upbeat than I would have thought. "Eh, don't worry about me. I got my lame ass jokes to keep me from getting bummed out. Sure I'm missing an arm now, but now I'll just get a cool robotic one. What do you think I should get in it, saw-blades or a rocket launcher?"

**Once again, I shall invoke the words of a small Mexican child.**

"Why not both?" I even throw in a slight accent into it.

"Aw, but then I wouldn't be able to fit the scythe on it."

**I love this world. You can just slap a bunch of different weapons together, add a gun, and kill shit with it. My kinda world! We need a lightsaber that turns into a helicopter and shoots guns! Because why the fuck not!**

"Oh, that reminds me," I said as I reached over to grab his kusarigama-bow, "I never had a chance to give this back to you." I handed his weapon back to him, but he raised his hand, the one left, actually the left one.

"Does it look like I can use a bow right now?" He stated, "Besides, you're gonna need it. I heard from Ozpin that you're going to Beacon?"

"That's where they're going to be keeping their new little test subject, yeah." I joked backed.

"Yeah, you're gonna need Deadshot with you." My face must have done something, cause he explained. "Yeah, I gave my weapon a name. Bit of a tradition at the academies. Here," with his good arm, he grabbed his shoulder pad of ammunition and tossed the deadly package at my face. "You'll need some ammo. We went through a bit today, but Beacon has complimentary ammunition for the students once you get there."

**Free ammo! This world is just getting better and better!**

Temp laid back down, but landed a little too hard on his stump and started cursing his head off. As I jumped up to help him, he again just put up his hand to keep me back. "Don't fucking worry 'bout my sorry ass hide. Pain will go away in a bit." He sighed a couple of times, sorta zen-esque, before he continued, "Note to self, the wounds hurt worse when you land on them."

"Really? How could you possibly come up with such an unusual hypothesis?" I jested, trying to keep all spirits high.

**Weed?**

NO!

"Oh, Mr. Smarty-pants are we?" Temp commented on my excessive vocabulary.

"Bio-major speaking," I answered, before I realized I was technically no longer a bio major. "Well, I was a bio major. Now I guess I'm majoring in, what, hunting?"

Temp chuckled a little at that. "So you've been through some schooling, have you?"

"I got part way through my freshman year of college. Now it's like I'm getting a restart. Except apparently the age things start here is 17, so it's like I'm getting held back two years."

"Eh, I'm sure a 'delinquent' such as yourself will do fine starting off in Beacon," Temp joked. "You know, my kids are starting there this year too."

"Were those the two that just left?"

"Yup. Krystal and Ignatius. And you really shouldn't try anything with my daughter. I saw the way you looked at my daughter's ass as you came in here."

GULP! Why did you look at her ass, Will! Now he's pissed!

**I can't help it! Her ass was GORGEOUS! **

"For your own sake, don't try. She'll freeze your hands off, and other organs."

**Scratching that one of the list!**

"Iggy would probably be fine with you, however."

"Nooo, I don't swing that way." I said, rather awkwarded out by the conversation.

**You know, for a male, his ass wasn't half bad.**

Shut up Will. After that awkward bit, we started talking about weapons again, and by the time I left, we had determined that his new arm should shoot drones that launch grenades and should be able to release at least a parachute and preferably a hovercraft.


	4. Powdered Expolsives

**Red sails in the sunseeeet!**

Shut up Will!

**Way out on the sea-ee!**

Why won't you just shut it?!

**Go carry my-y loved one!**

For the fucking love of Christ!

**Home safely to me! To me! To MEEE!**

So here we are, waiting for the new arrivals to Beacon. Because of our alien situation, I got to go to Beacon a bit early, and now we are just waiting for the airship to bring in the protagonists, minor characters, and side antagonists. But Will here has been singing the same fucking song for the past 20 minutes!

**Got to do something to pass the time. Swift winds you must borroooow! Make straight for the shore-a! We marry tomorrooow! She goes sailin' no more-a!**

What the hell is that song anyway?

**I don't even have a clue! Must have been something that... Mom... used to listen to. Oh god...**

Don't start crying up now! Come on man, you can sing! Come on! Don't do this to me! Red sails on the sunset!

**Way out on the sea! Carry my loved one! Home a-safely to me!**

What have I done?

**Would it help if it were more RWBY themed? Red cloak in that skyjet! Way out in the sky-y! Oh, carry my loved one, home safely to-o I!**

Grammar fail.

**A swift slice of your scythe will, cut straight through my heart! We'll be partnered tomorrow! We'll go slaying some more!**

Way to ruin the rhyme scheme. Tell me, are you actually trying to make a love song for her or are you just trying to annoy me?

**Must I quote the Mexican kid again?**

Can't you sing something more epic at least?

**How about some Skillet? Falling in the black! Slipping through the cracks! Falling to the depths; can I ever go back? **

Finally something good!

**Cumming inside of Blake!**

FUCK YOU, WILL! AND OUR LIBIDO!

**If I could fuck you I would. But we can't bend that way.**

SHUT THE FUCKING HELL UP, WILL! Thankfully this incredibly awkward mental conversation was cut by the awesome airship thing landing. Of course there were like six of them landing, so now we gotta go find which one Ruby's in.

**It's that one! I see Jaune barfing!**

Quick we need to get to her before she explodes! If we are lucky we can eliminate all trace of Pinkshipping!

**Can't we just push Weiss off the cliff? **

Remember our lessons, Will. What is that crime called?

***mumbles* Premeditated murder.**

Yeah, so none of that. Besides, here's your lovely Ruby. She was currently in her chibi form, geeking out at the collection of "why the fuck not" level of weaponry assorted at Beacon Academy.

"Ohmygosh, sis! That kid's got a collapsible staff! And she's got a fire sword!" Her adorkable chibi tried so hard to float to the admittedly 'mazing looking fire sword, but Yang pulled her back onscreen and into normal form by her hood.

"Easy there, little sister. They're just weapons!"

**If you mean, super mega death weapons of awesomeness, then yes you would be correct.**

"'Just weapons'? They're an extension of ourselves! They're a part of us! Oh, they're so _cool_!" ruby gawked.

"Well, why can't you swoon over your own weapon? Aren't you happy with it?"

**Ruby x Crescent Rose OTP! I'll bet she uses it to masturbate. The end looks like a dildo.**

Shut the ever-loving fuck up! Ruby swung her sweetheart out of its holster to demonstrate, "Of course I'm happy with Crescent Rose! I just really like seeing new ones."

**But isn't that cheating?**

"It's like meeting new people, but better..." Ah, Ruby has social issues. Just like me

Yang, being the tease, blinded her sister with her own fairy tale hood. "Ruby, come on, why don't you go try and make some friends of your own?"

**This seems like the perfect time to intervene! **

"Hey, Ruby," I said nonchalantly, making the sisters aware of the fact I had been standing behind them, listening to their conversation.

"OH, BEN!" Ruby called and ran towards me. "Hey. Yang this is the guy I met in the police office the other day. Ben, this is my sister Yang." Ruby introduced us.

We shook hands as Yang spoke, "So you are the alien my sis was talking about."

**Crap, cover blown! Let me cover this! **

Will looked dead into Ruby's eyes and spoke with his dark-and-threatening voice,** "You weren't supposed to tell anyone." **He/I/we just stared at her, her face twisting into fear, before Will's face lightened and he gave his best imitation of a kookaburra. Ruby laughed awkwardly, and Yang just kinda scratched her head.

"**Don't worry; I'm just joshing with ya."**

Joshing with you?! Really? Before Will could respond to my taunt, Yang noticed a small crowd of black silhouettes. "Oh, there are my friends. Gotta go catch up. K, cu, bye!" And with that, she and her groupies ran out past us in a blur, spinning us around like tops.

"**World. Spinning. Dizzy. Fall down now."** Will mumbled in a childish voice, before Ruby and my body fell over simultaneously.

_CRAAAAAAAAASH!_

OW! Dang boxes! Oh, wait crap!

"What are you doing!?" Fuck. Weiss. Now I'M the one who knocked over her shit?! Will, let me talk to her before she freezes our dick off!

**Yeah, I'm not dealing with the ice bitch! Have fun!**

"My sincerest apologies miss." Maybe the good manners will buffer the incident.

"Apologies?! Do you have any idea the damage you could have caused!?" That'd be a no. Now Ruby's bending down to help pick up, but that can only end in- "GIVE ME THAT!" That. Full rage Weiss pulled the box out of her hands and started to shake the powdered explosives around. "This is _Dust_ \- mined and purified from the Schnee quarry!"

"Yeah, we know what it is. We didn't know it was in that case though," I countered, trying really hard to sound confident. "Once again, apologies for _accidentally_ knocking over your stuff. If you would allow us to help, we'd be perfectly happy to rectify the situation."

**Why so big words?**

"I will not allow clumsy buffoons such as yourselves to touch my possessions. If you fell on them without holding anything, imagine what you would do while_ holding_ my luggage!" Throughout her rant, she kept shaking the dust shaker, a cloud of powdered disaster hanging in the air.

"Ah, ah, AAHH"

**Crap, she's gonna blow! Use the finger technique!**

Quickly I placed my finger under Ruby's nose to stop the incoming explosive sneeze. After a few more convulsions, the sneeze died down.

"Thanks Ben," Ruby replied.

"No pro-"

"AAACHOOO!"_ BBBOOOOOOOOOOOMM!_

A huge fireball flashed around us from Ruby's sneeze. When I opened my eyes, everyone around was covered in a layer of soot.

"This is exactly what I was talking about!" Looks like we get more Weiss rant.

**Hey, dude do you feel that?**

Feel what? My chin is really hot, I guess- OH GOD! "BEARD ON FIRE! BEARD ON FIRE!" So with my beard ablaze, I started running around like a maniac trying to find something to put it out with. Thankfully, out of nowhere a blast of snow smacked me right in the face, dowsing the flame on my beard.

"Danku," was what came out of my mouth through the snow. I wiped my face clear of the magical ice fluff to see the hot ice chick and the fire dude. Temp's kids, right?

**Dang it! Now the readers are gonna complain about us talking to someone BESIDES the 12 named characters in the huge school that probably houses hundreds!**

"Don't mention it," The chick-Krystal maybe?-said. "I just wanted you to make you stop running around like an idiot."

**Man, why do the ice themed girls all have to be so cold… OOOOOOOOOH. Never mind.**

"Kay," The flame head, Ignatius question mark, said, "Now I think you'd better go back to your bitch. She's looks like she's getting a tongue lashing, and not the good kind!" Well, that dude has a mouth fit for angels. But I do need to get back to Ruby, cause right about now-

**BLAKE! She's gonna be here soon!**

Oh, _now_ you're swooning over her. Geeze, make up your mind will you! But it looks like our timing is getting better. Looks like she is just about to interrupt.

"Hey, I said I was sorry, princess!" Ruby cried out in frustration. And just like in the show, Blake had to go and correct her.

"It's heiress, actually." Blake pointed out, holding up the jar of dirt that caused my beard fire. "Weiss Schnee, heiress to the Schnee Dust Company. One of the largest producers of energy propellant in the world."

"Finally! Some recognition!" Why would anyone recognize the heir to a freaking mining company? I couldn't even recognize a business leader outside Steve Jobs.

"The same company infamous for its controversial labor forces and questionable business partners." Oh yeah, Weiss was probably on her hit list. That could explain it.

**I sure wouldn't mind getting a hit on that ass.**

WILL!

"Wha- How dare you- The nerve of... Ugh!" Finally, Weiss grabbed the jar o' dirt from Blake and ran off pissed into the distance.

"I promise I'll make this up to you!" Ruby called after her. I didn't catch what she said after that as my head was forced to turn and stare at Blake's retreat. WILL!

**But that ass! And you were the one that got me all hot for her!**

Dude, you're drooling.

**What?! Oh, ew gross!**

When I finally was able to get control back from my lower brain, Ruby had already collapsed into a pile on the ground, and Jaune was already helping her up. "Hey... I'm Jaune."

"Ruby." She responded as he helped him up, and I returned to her side, "Aren't you the guy that threw up on the ship?"

And man did Jaune blush. He's redder than Ruby's cloak! "I kinda get motion sickness," he said while he scratched his head awkwardly.

"Hey, no worries, man," I interjected. "Everybody's gets queasy now and again. I'm Ben by the way."

**And you are NOT stealing MY redhead!**

Dude, chillax. All we have to do is get him to meet Pyrrha and then happy Arckos shipping.

***Grumbling again* fine he can have redhead number 2.**

"Yeah, don't worry, Vomit boy," Ruby blurted out, before she caught herself. "OOPS!" Her hand smacked over her mouth as her face turned red like roses.

**Fills my dreams and…**

ENOUGH WITH THE SINGING!

"Vomit boy!" Jaune repelled at the name

"Look, I'm sorry! Vomit Boy was the first thing that came to mind." Ruby's arms were waving around in apology, again.

"Oh, yeah? What if I called you Crater Face?" Oh you got burned, literally.

"Hey, that explosion was an accident!"

"And, they're all better than 'the alien problem'" Oh, wait, secret dang it!

"Um, alien?" Jaune asked, staring. Now it's my turn for my face to match my jacket.

"Uh, long story," Well, it sure is awkward on this side.

**And with that I shall enjoy this moment of awkward silence.**

"So... I got this thing!" Thankfully Ruby sensed a change in subject was necessary. She stabbed the earth with her beloved life partner of a weapon.

"Whoa! Is that a scythe?" Jaune asked

"No Jaune, it's a shovel," I joked.

"I don't really appreciate the sarcasm," Jaune deadpanned.

"It's also a customizable high-impact sniper rifle!" Ruby loves talking about her beloved sniper-scythe.

"A-wha...?" Oh, Jaune.

"It's also a gun." **A gun that sounds like it could cut through steel at a half mile!**

"Oh. That's cool!"

"That thing is just pure awesomeness!" **Scythe-guns? Once more, all thanks to the lord and creator of this world, Monty Oum!**

Then Ruby asked, "So what've you guys got?"

"Oh! I, uh..." And Jaune fumbles around with his ancestral sword, "I got this sword!"

"Ooooohh!"

"Sweetness." Even if it sucks compared to the rest of the weapons, it still looks cool for a sword.

"Yeah, and I've got a shield, too!" With that, he grabbed his scabbard, and popped out the shield.

**Prepare yourselves for some lame slapstick.**

"So, what do they do?" Ruby had to have pressed something on the shield, cause it went all crazy and started jumping around, retracting and expanding, bouncing around like a superball. Finally, Jaune got a hold of shieldbard and retracted it back to his belt. "The shield gets smaller, so when I get tired of carrying it, I can just... put it away..."

"But... wouldn't it weigh the same" Yup, law of conservation of mass. Thank you physics. Oh, wait, I mean PHYSICSSSS!

Before Jaune could feel lame again I decided to intervene, "Well, it still is out of the way, and he doesn't have to use his hands to carry it, so it still works. Now my turn for showentell!" I unhooked Deadshot from belt and with a press of the button it unfolded into bow-mode.

"Cool bow." Jaune commented.

Ruby just stared in awe, all cute-like. "So that's what it turns into."

"It also turns into Kusarigama." With a press of a button, the bow split in half, and the scythes came out. I caught the second blade with my right hand and swung at the air for flourish, and a flourish of voice, "HEYA!" Ruby's eyes were wide in fascination, taking in every inch of my lethal weapon.

**Dare I even make a joke with that?**

Shut it. Jaune, however, was just looking in a state of confusion. Before I could respond, Ruby answered his unasked question. "It turns into hand-scythes."

"Oh," that face was just priceless.

"Yeah, I'm kind of a dork when it comes to weapons," Ruby admitted.

"Really," I joked, "I never would have guessed!"

"Yeah, I mean, look at my scythe!" Ruby said while caressing her own weapon lovingly.

**Can I please make a joke with that? Please!?**

Shut up, Will. Ruby continued, "I may have gone little overboard when designing it."

"Wait - you _made_ that?!" Technically all she said was she designed it.

"Of course! All students at Signal forge their own weapons! Didn't you make yours?"

**Maybe Ruby can help me attach a rocket launcher or something. No, wait, idea! Helicopter blades! Then I could FLY!**

"I think you know the story behind these," I said as I twirled my scythes. "The guy who saved me from the aliens gave me them after his arm got cut off."

"Wait, what?" And now Jaune gets to hear my backstory. Backstory for everyone! "Aliens?! And who got his arm chopped off?"

"Why do you think I got called 'the alien problem?' Basically I got abducted, a Huntsman saved me, but he got his arm cut off in the battle. He gave me Deadshot here while he is getting a rocket-launching prosthesis."

"You were abducted by aliens?" Jaune asked incredulously.

**You use that word a lot. And now is the perfect time to make a better cover story, by the way**.

"Well, it turned out to be terrorists. But the name kinda stuck," I lied on the fly. Ruby looked at me questioningly, but a mouthing of "go with it," left her quite. I decided to divert the conversation back to the way it should be going: making Jaune feel uncomfortable. "So, what about your weapon? You make it?" Even though I knew, it made sense in the conversation.

Jaune held his sword out, glancing over it nervously. "It's a hand-me-down. My great-great-grandfather used it to fight in the war," he admitted somewhat unsure of himself.

"Sounds more like a family heirloom to me!" Ruby joked and laughed. "Well, I like it! Not many people have an appreciation for the classics these days."

"Yeah, the classics..." Jaune mumbled kinda dejectedly.

"Hey, I think it's cool that you use your family's weapon. Honoring your family's legacy and all that."

"Yeah, honoring my family." Jaune's face fell a little bit more. Dang it, I forgot about his backstory there! Now I just made him feel worse!

**And you're not helping me out bringing up the family thing. We have nothing from our family. Nothing. We should make something anew. Maybe a shield with our family crest on it?**

Our family crest has a naked mermaid on it. We are not brandishing that into battle.

**Why NOT!?**

Because we have to get back to the conversation. We all had started walking around the grounds at some point, I really don't know when.

"So why'd you help me out back there? In the courtyard?" Ruby inquired of Jaune.

"Eh, why not? My mom always says, 'strangers are just friends you haven't met yet.'" Jaune answered

"Ok, better question: Why didn't _you_ help me when I fell over?" Ruby pointed at me accusingly.

"Sorry, I was kinda distracted by my beard catching fire!" I countered, arms raised in defense.

"I meant after that! You were just staring at that girl!" And once again, Will has fucked me over.

**I REGRET NOTHING!**

I chuckled nervously before I answered, "Sorry, I was kinda distracted by her, uh, assets." Fuck! Did I say that out loud?! My face was redder than a ruby. Ruby and Jaune just stared at me. "Aaaaawkwaaard!" I mumbled out. And that's how our first day at Beacon began. With awkward conversations and exploding sneezes.

**Oh, is it time for the end credits? I MAY FALL! But not like this! **

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

**I know I said no author's notes, but I thought I would just come out and mention this. After a delicious dinner at my fav restaurant and the 'MAZING new intro for RWBY season two coming out, I am going to be working on what I call the RWBY Tuesday challenge, where I will try my hardest to post something RWBY every Tuesday, at least till season two, hopefully till the season ends. But don't worry; I will most likely fail epically and not post for the rest of the summer. I will probably post this story a lot (I might be stealing the writing from Timey. Don't tell him!), but I might make some one-shot or something else. **

**And also, I update my profile with how far along my work is daily, so you can see what I'm working on. And finally while you're there you can check out my forum topic so we can actually get ULTIMATE DEATHBATTLE SHOWDOWN TOURNAMENT off the ground, or you can steal some of my old ideas I haven't gotten to yet.**

**Oh, and the songs used were Red Sails in the Sunset (I listened to the Colm Wilkinson version and it has been stuck in my head for days!), Falling Inside the Black (Skillet), and of course Red like Roses and I May Fall (RWBY). **

**This is going on forever, but I also just noticed that the day I am uploading this, May 27, 2014, it has been exactly 1 year since I published my first story on Fanfiction. 1 year with that The Hottest Day of the Year up, and I'm only on chapter 2! Such is life.**

**At any rate, read and enjoy or review and follow depending on whether I put this is at the top or the bottom.**

**-The Dark Moon has set!**


	5. Schoolsponsered coed slumberparty

**RWBY VOLUME TWO PREMIERS FREAKING THURSDAY! HALLELUJAH! PRAISE THE LORD AND CREATOR, MONTY OUM!**

**Happy RWBY Tuesday! The Darkmoon has risen yet again with another chapter of our glorious selves-insert! Yeah, RWBY Tuesday failed rather epically, and yeah, I'm gonna be putting in A/N now every chap, but if you don't like that, suck it. **

**I have a new-found respect for Ruby's strength. I work on a farm (as an unpaid intern), and the reaper broke, so I had to cut down rye with a real life scythe. It was probably a quarter the blade that Ruby has and that was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. Scythes are a pain to wield to just cut rye and Ruby is swinging a huge ass one around cutting down giant nightmare beasts! She has to be incredibly strong.**

**But enough kissing up, time for story!**

* * *

And so after the opening sequence, Ruby, Jaune, and I eventually found the auditorium where all the generic silhouettes of students had collected to listen to some opening speech, and we could see Yang's yellow hair stick out like a firefly in the dark.

**That's the imagery you're going with? A firefly?**

Like you could make anything better. But soon the only colored character turned around and waved to her little sister. "Ruby! Over here! I saved you a spot!"

"Oh! Hey, I-I gotta go! See you two after the ceremony!" Ruby blurted as she dashed out to her blazing sister, leaving both us males in the literal dust.

"Hey, wait!" Jaune called out before sighing in another Jaune defeat. "Ah, great. Where am I supposed to find another nice, quirky girl to talk to?!"

**And cue the hot, redheaded stalker. I looked over to see Pyrrha gazing longingly at tall, blonde, and scraggly. I think I'll speed up this shipping a little. I grabbed Jaune's shoulder and pulled him into whisper, "Dude, there is a hot redhead looking you over right behind you."**

"Wait, what?" **Jaune glanced over and caught her eyes for just a moment before I pulled him away.**

"**Dude, don't stare back. You'll scare her off, just go up to talk to her. I'll help you." With that I dragged Jaune towards his future partner and the show's only romantic tension.**

Will, what are you doing! Not only did you steal my body-and my narration for that matter-but now you're messing with the plot!

**Don't you know the first rule of self inserts and time travel? The more you try to keep from messing up the plot/time-line, the more it changes. So if we try to change things, karma will keep everything the same. Plus, if I give him redhead number 2, I can have redheads number 1, 3, and 4 to myself!**

Will, this isn't a harem fic!

**Killjoy. But hey look, redhead number 2! "Hey there, I'm Ben and this is Jaune," I introduced ourselves to the beauty before us. "What might your name be, beautiful?"**

Not the suave voice!

**But she giggled anyway! **"My name is Pyrrha. It is a pleasure to meet the both of you." **She said in her sweet voice. She grabbed Jaune's hand and she stared into his eyes for a moment. I believe my job here is d-**

"YOU!"

**AHH! It's the white witch! Fürchten die dunklen Weiss! Take over Ben! Appease her with your fancy words! **

"Thanks to your blunder, my thunder Dust container broke and stained my dresses with lightning and my stores of explosive Dust exploded. You're lucky we weren't blown off the side of the cliff!" Oh, you'll give me our body back when the ice hearted bitch comes in. Of course.

"Once again, my sincerest apologies. I assure you that this was an accident and I'm willing to make it up to you however you see f-" I was interrupted by a pamphlet thrust in my face. "Dust for Dummies?" I read as I grabbed the paper

"The Schnee Dust Company is not responsible for any injuries or damages sustained while operating a Schnee Dust Company product. Although not mandatory, the Schnee Family highly encourages customers to read and familiarize themselves with this easy to follow guide to Dust applications and practices in the field."

**Somebody hit fastforward on the terms and conditions section!**

"You really wanna start making things up to me?" She asked.

"Yes," I answered, against Will's warnings.

"Read this, and don't ever speak to me again." Finality.

"Don't worry. I have no intention of ever attempting to interact with you again."

**OH, BUUUUUUURN!**

"That was rather rude." Weiss complained at my agreement.

"I was simply speaking in the same tone in which I am being spoken to." And with that she FINALLY left in a huff of frustration.

"What was that all about," Pyrrha asked after the blizzard had blown over.

"I just tripped over that girl's luggage earlier, and now she has it out for me and Ruby."

"I'm sure you'll be able to fix things with her somehow." She said optimistically.

"Here's hoping."

**-We never have to speak to her again.**

Shut it Will, Ozpin's starting to talk. The headmaster walked up on stage to begin the shortest speech in history. "I'll... keep this brief. You have traveled here today in search of knowledge – to hone your craft and acquire new skills, and when you have finished, you plan to dedicate your life to the protection of the people. But I look amongst you, and all I see is wasted energy, in need of purpose, direction."

**I believe that to be some kind of insult.**

"You assume knowledge will free you of this, but your time at this school will prove that knowledge can only carry you so far. It is up to you to take the first step." Once Ozpin had finished, Goodwitch-

**Good**_**bitch**_

Fuck off! Goodwitch went up to the mic to inform us of the ultimate school sponsored coed slumber party. "You will gather in the ballroom tonight; tomorrow, your initiation begins. Be ready. You are dismissed."

"So what do you guys wanna do till tonight?" I asked the canon couple.

"I dunno," Jaune replied. Before he could continue a voice from behind interrupted me.

"Excuse me," We all turned to see Professor Port approaching.

"Yes Professor?" I asked, even though I knew what he was going to ask.

"I'm sorry Mr. Andrews, but it is time for your medical examination."

**NOT THE NEEDLES!**

Yeah, as part of the deal to live here, the staff get to run experiments on me. Fun times. Since Port is what amounts to the biology teacher, he gets to play mad scientist and test the alien out as much as he wants.

"Alright," I answered meekly. Dang needles. I turn to my new found friends, and said my **final** goodbyes. "Well see you guys later then."

**And off to the government labs we go!**

* * *

"Ow," was my external response to the needle piercing my skin, but I think you would much prefer Will's reaction:

**FirnengshmergenPAINshemgaMURDERTRAINflemergshentFUCKTHISVAMPIRESHIToroctoyonticaflour!**

Yup, much more entertaining.

"To tell the truth, I'm somewhat amazed your blood is red like ours," Port mumbled underneath his mustache of awesomeness.

"Well, you only got 6 colors to pick from, so the chances our blood matches are pretty good," I jested as the machine slowly siphoned off my life blood for analysis. This side of the lab isn't so much fun.

**Yeah, those dissections were so fun. The cat guts were cool and OW FUCK this vampire machine!**

"I'm pretty sure there are more than six colors." Port commented as he checked whatever the machine was saying about my blood. Probably too much ice cream.

"Meh, never did too well in art, more of a bio student."

"A student of biology? Interesting?" The mustache-I mean Professor Port-mumbled, "So you would know a good deal about the life on your planet. I have been somewhat interested in the idea of the wildlife of your home."

"Yeah, I kinda specialized in wildlife, actually, what do you wanna know?" I mean, I could trace out the mammalian phylogenetic tree like that!

**NEEEEEEERD!**

Fuck off Will!

"Well, what of the predators? What do you do the people of your planet do about the monsters?"

"Well, at least where I'm from, we've killed off pretty much anything that could eat us."

"You've killed off EVERYTHING!?" The mustache was amazed at our efficiency of death. "How could you accomplish such a feat with your limited technology?"

I would take that as an insult if I hadn't seen their tech already. "Well, it's pretty easy when every single person colonising the continent had a gun and would shoot everything that moved. Oh, and it helps if you completely destroy the environment those beasties need to survive. I'm kinda surprised your race hasn't completely destroyed all of them, with schools dedicated to eradication."

**Oh and look! We've pissed off the republicans again!**

"So your world is completely void of monsters?"

"I wouldn't say 'void,' there just rare. The seas are still full of monsters."

"May I get some details on these monsters? Say, what the largest of these sea monsters are."

**You know, we could just make shit up and he'd believe us, right?**

I'm not going to lie, Will. But I could fudge the truth a little. "Well, the whales are definitely the largest beasts of the sea. And the most terrifying too. They are just completely HUGE! Over 30 meters for some of them. Some of them have teeth this big!" I said, using my head a metric. "The beast called Leviathan" -_Leviathan melvillei,_ terror whale, look it up- "Lord of the oceans. Largest predator ever on the face of the Earth!"

"And how do you deal with these 'whales?' How do people with your technology kill these monsters?"

"Javelins mostly. No, I mean harpoons. Get those mixed up. Whales are almost extinct at this point. And good riddance."

**And now we've pissed off the democrats as well! I think everyone hates us at this point! **

Considering how many rapes you've planned, I'd be surprised if anyone didn't hate us. _*BEEEEEP* _My self insults were interrupted by the vampire machine censoring some swear word Will was about to say.

"Well, it looks like you are done here, Mr. Andrews," Mustache/Port said as he removed the accursed needle of vampirism from my elbow.

**SALVATION! Woah, dizzy from blood loss.**

"While I would love to continue this conversation and learn more about these 'whale' creatures, It would be best if you go with all the other students to the ballroom for the night. Make sure to rest up for the trials tomorrow, now." With the severe handicap of blood-loss, thank you very much. But at that I left the torture chamber-I mean, lab- to meet up with the other students for the ultimate coed slumber party.

* * *

**Hey, dude. I got a plan!**

Plan for what? We are walking to get our PJs on. not much planning involved.

**A plan to bed Blake!**

At least you picked one finally. I should be afraid to ask, but what is this "plan" of yours?

**We know where she'll be reading. Let's go up to her and you can start talking books. We can even break the ice by thanking her for her help with Ruby this afternoon.**

Wow, that's, actually a good idea, especially out of you. I was expecting something that involved roofies and snares baited with catnip out of you.

**What are you talking about! That stuff's for when we get her in the bedroom!**

I really should have seen that coming. But back to actual happenings, what do you think Beacon will give us for sleepwear? Hmm, blue sweats and a blank tee? I can deal.

**As long as Jaune's feetie-pajamas aren't standard issue, we can deal with it. Anything'll be better than our polar bear jammies back home.**

Yeah, one nice thing about our fresh start is we can leave all our embarrassing stuff behind us.

**Like the fact we still slept with the security blanket we've had since preschool?**

What's the problem there? Brownie is a perfectly normal blanket and is incredibly warm and fuzzy.

**You called it Brownie. **

Curses! Um… Hey look, Jaune! In bunny pajamas! "Hey Jaune."

**Seriously, those pajamas aren't even fit for bananas!**

"Hey, Ben." The blonde replied, looking just a little embarrassed about his wardrobe. "How's it going?"

"Fine, just looking for my spot to sleep tonight." I said as we walked through the crowd of scantily clad teenagers preparing for beddy-by time.

"So, are we really all sleeping in the ballroom tonight?" Jaune asked, staring at the strange coed mix in the large room.

"It certainly seems that way." I answered back. "Weird sleeping arrangement, but I can deal with it."

"Just seems a little weird a school would have all the kids sleep together." Jaune responded.

"I don't think they care about things like having the girls and boys together. I mean the dorms freaking coed."

**OOOOOOOOH yes! We will be surrounded by sleeping girls tonight and then have coed dorms! This place is paradise!**

You seemed to have missed something very important Will. With everybody around, and then living in a dorm with three teammates, you are never going to be able to fab in your bed again.

**.**

**..**

**...**

Will?

**NNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ****OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

Get a HOLD of yourself man! Um, uh, hey look! We're Yang's eye candy! Back in narration mode, we had somehow replaced Jaune in Yang's little sight gag, walking in front of a bunch of hunks showing off their abs for no reason while the blonde purred at the scene.

**QUICK! Activate maneuver 16! Crack fingers, and arms slowly behind head like a BAUS!**

And for our flirtatious efforts, we got a roll of the eyes before Yang returned to her sister.

**Alright, enough with the blonde! We're after the catgirl!**

And with that, Will directed us to the corner said catgirl was reading in, candelabra remodeled to actually be lit. Will, remember, your plan was appease her with intelligence, that means you let ME speak, got it?

**Yeah, I'm not gonna try and mess this up with my bad flirts. I'm actually gonna let you do your slow and steady approach.**

Whoa. You are letting me take the lead in a romantic venture? What the fuck is wrong with you Will?! Are you sick? Are you gaining your sanity!?

**Shut up. I just really want this to go well, and I know Blake is way more your personality type than mine, so hopefully you can actually make a connection with her.**

Wow, you are actually being decent about this. You must actually _really_ like her.

**Dude, all this is a joint venture. She's as much your waifu as mine! You're the part into the book smarts and writing. If it wasn't for the furry part, I'd be trying to ninja my way into Ruby's sleeping bag right now. Now just go and talk with our love.**

Right. I do like the quiet book type and she is really hot. Ok. Breath and speak normally. I approached the black haired beauty from the cover of her book and made my presence known, "Um, hello there."

**Don't stutter dammit!**

Blake looked up, her amber eyes gazing at my form over the edge of her book. Her wonderful voice asked "Aren't you the guy whose beard caught on fire today?"

Of course she remembers the fire beard. "Yeeeeeeeeah, that was me. After I got my hair problem under control I saw how you helped my friend out with the heiress, so I wanted to thank you for that."

"You're thanking me for helping her while you stood there staring at my ass?" Ah, fuck! She noticed that? Fuck it Will.

"**I have no response except that you are beautiful." **

WILL! Now you really fucked it.

**I KNOW! The suave has failed us!**

And at that, Blake rolled her eyes with a huff, and left, taking the light of her eyes- I mean candles- with her. Well fuck.

"Man that was a serious fail of a pickup. You got no luck with the bitches." A voice taunted from the side. I turned to see Ignatius watching me from his sleeping bag, his sis stuffing her pillow over her head.

**Wow, dissed by the gay OC on pickup skills. This is a new low.**

"Yeah that was an epic fail," my head sagged in admitted failure. Iggy chuckled and Krys groaned under her pillow.

"You know, bitches can be such a drag. You could always switch sides, if you catch my drift," Iggy innuendo-ed with a wink. Are we getting hit on by a guy?

**At this point, I'm fine with whatever we can get. **

"Yeah, I don't swing that way," I said in response to both of them.

"Yalright, if I can't get you as a boyfriend, ya think I could getcha as just a plain ol' friend then?" He asked extending his hand. "Name's Ignatius Baihu, firebeard. Call me Nate for short." Officially introducing himself.

**Well, better than alien boy.**

I grabbed his hand in acceptance of friendship, "I think I can deal with that, Nate. Name's Ben Andrews."

Another groan came from under the pillow. "Enough flirting! Let me go to fucking sleep!" Her threat was accompanied by a swift kick through the sheets. Unaimed, her foot made direct contact with her brother's crotch, resulting in a very high-pitched squeal echoing around the room.

**Ouch. Bitch can kick.**

After he got his breath back, Nate glared daggers into the back of his girlfriend's head. "Ignore my sister. Krystal can be quite a bi-" Nate was thankfully censored by the formation of a poorly animated dust cloud fight scene between the sisters orange.

**Hey, wait a sec. We kept them from talking with Blake. Why didn't the plot line change? Why did they start fighting?! Why does Arkada keep complaining about this scene?!**

I don't know but Weiss is interrupting the same as a before aaaaaand wait for it… Blake putting out the lights. Just like the show.

**Ha! My theory was correct! I messed with the plot and it fixed itself! But enough metaphysics-ing. It's time for nappy-by.**

Just gotta find our sleeping bag…

"ughf!"

"sorry!"

"watch where you're walking!"

"My bad"

"AHHH!"

_*whomp* _

"I'm gonna fuck up whoever just kicked me!"

**I'm fine with this. **

WILL!

* * *

**Well there you go, chapter 4. Or maybe 3. Five? And now announcements.**

**RWBY premier Thursday! Wahooooooooooooooo! All praise Lie Ren, self insert of the creator Oum himself!**

**I'm working on many projects involved with fanfic. Many stories floating around my head are slowly taking form, so check out my other stuff for more cool RWBY stuff. Currently working on a special little version of haremfic for Yang, cause, as Gigguk says, why the fuck not.**

**Other projects that aren't stories: I'm going to be restarting my ULTIMATE DEATHBATTLE SHOWDOWN TOURNAMENT, what I hope will be come a huge ultra collab project to make the ultimate transuniverasal tourney fic. If you like fighting, you may like the Deathbattle. Come join on the forum, we need all the help we can get!**

**And one more project on the horizon, this one directly involved with this story, but since that little goody isn't near ready yet, I will only give you one hint to it: YouTube.**

**The Darkmoon has set! **


	6. Whales are the new Aardvarks

**Greetings Internet! The Darkmoon has risen again, after yet another rather long slumber. Seriously, the season finished before we could put up another chapter. That sucks. I have so many sorries to give out now, so here is the list.**

**Sorry for this being so late. After the last chap, me and Timey went to college. Different colleges. So it has been hard to work on fanfic in general and this piece in particular.**

**Sorry to Timey for not letting him get his words in edgewise. I got three chaps of A/N, so the next three will be his.**

**Sorry, but unfortunately, there will not be a follow up chapter to my Halloween special this year. No matter what I do it doesn't come out write. Pun intend. I keep trying different things but nothing works. So no Halloween goodness from the Darkened Moon.**

**Sorry for any other stories I haven't updated. Again, college. I have some chaps partially written, and am hoping that the new Pokemon games can inspire me back to working on Genetic Sequence.**

**Well, now that the apologies are over, ON WITH THE SHOW!**

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" My scream of terror echoed across the ballroom, waking several students up with groans. My eyes opened, revealing the hell I had just lived through was nothing more than a nightmare.

**I-I neeever want to sleep-p-p. Again.**

"Shut up, I'm sleeping here!" My thoughts were interrupted by a well-aimed pillow from Krystal smacking me in the face.

After throwing her pillow back, Ruby seemed concerned about me—or at least why I woke her up—and asked me groggily, "y'alright there, Ben?" as she tried to blink the sleep from her eyes.

Still trying to catch my breath I told her, "Just a nightmare, nothing to worry about.

"Well, what was it about?"

"Whales."

"Whales?"

"Whales." Coming to grips with my fears, I began to explain the horror my brain had crafted for me, "The dream started out like the abduction. The portal popped open and the robot dragged me in. But this time, instead of the lab, i-it let out over the oc-cean. I just fell, straight into the sea. No land in sight. Doomed to a watery death. And then from below, from below, below..."

**Dude! Snap! Dream's over!**

Right. Breathe man. "A pod of gigantic whales came up from below, feeding. Each missing me by feet, taunting me with their gaping mouths. I looked down to see the largest mouth ever open up below me. Coming straight at me. Then I woke up."

"That was one scary dream" Ruby commented after a moment of silence.

"Meh, better than the one with cursed Cthulhu horror game." I jested to raise my spirits.

**I still don't know whether that game would be scary or kinky if it was real.**

Why wou-

**Tentacles, that's why!**

"So, uh, what's a whale?" Ruby asked innocently. Yay, I get to convert more people to my fear of whales! Beware the blubber!

"Whales are these ginormous creatures back home. Largest creatures ever on the planet. Some have teeth this big!" Again, I used my head as a meter stick, to which Ruby seemed awestruck a little, "and they could have more than fifty of them! But that one, Leviathan, is even worse cause they have sonic cannons in their head."

"Sonic cannons? These monsters sound cool!" Ruby seems too happy about something that could eat her whole.

"Leviathan isn't even the biggest one! The largest ones are so big that to eat they just open their mouths and swim forward. They can eat THOUSANDS of creatures in a single gulp." Leaving out the part that those thousands are typically microscopic.

"Woah." That is the response I wanted.

**I'm starting to think whales are gonna be this story's aardvark.**

Aardvark?

**Come on. It was your gag! The joke creature you threw in every chapter of your Spider-Man fic? Juggling aardvark, come on!**

I knew what you were talking about, but why are you referencing my old fic? No one is gonna get it.

**They might if you actually work on it!**

Sure. I'll get right on that. As soon as we get to a universe that has the Drake Belle version of Spider-Man in it. You know, cause we're kinda tra-

*_gurgugrlaegleuuurg* _

"Was that you stomach?" Ruby asked. "Wanna go get breakfast?"

"That wasn't my stomach. That was further down the GI tract. If you'll excuse me, I have to run to the nearest restroom."

**To the toilet! AAAWAAAAAAAAY!**

And so I ran at a speed to rival Ruby at full sprint to make it to the restroom before my bowels gave way. I rushed in and-

_*WHAM*_

I looked up from the tiled floor I had landed on to see I had collided with Nora.

"Oh shit! I'm sorry I ran into you! Crap is this the ladies' room!? I was just running to get to the bathroom, I didn't mean to sneak into the ladies room or anything I swear!"

**We are going to get whacked into next week by this girl!**

"Ohdontworryaboutitthisisactuallytheboysroombutijustkindafollowedreninherenotthatiwantedtoseereninthebathroomoranythingijustwantedtokeeptalkingisall!"

.

..

…

You catch any of that, Will?

**Not without rewinding the video.**

"Don't worry. She is the one in the wrong room." The stoic Ren answered through freshly brushed teeth.

"Well, um, sorry about that, again. Anyway I really gotta go, so nice meeting you!"

**TOOOOOOIIIIIIILLLLLLEEEET!**

I think I'll just edit to the breakfast, or maybe the locker room.

**But why? The toilet offers the optimum place for an introverted conversation with your inner voices!**

We can do that anywhere. And do you really think the readers want to read a discussion punctuated with the grunts of indigestion?

**Well, they're going to be watching us when we get in bed with one of the girls, so why not while on the toilet?**

THAT'S IT I'M EDITING YOUR SHIT!

* * *

Jump to: locker room.

**Partypooper. Hehe, poop.**

Yeah, no one needs to see us pooping. Your humour is getting more coarse every day.

**Thank you.**

Dear lord! Just shut up! You know what, nevermind! Go on and spew your nonsense! I don't give two halves of fuck anymore!

**And I quote from the majestic Morgan: "Weiner slot."**

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! I am leaving this conversation! You can joke all you want, but I am going to go plot now. I won't even write down your nonsense!

I entered the room of rocket propelled lockers along with every other freshman on campus. I traversed past various conversations of side characters as I made my way to my locker to fetch Temp's weapon. Before I could get to my locker however, I was stopped by the most imposing and formidable utterance ever spoken on the show.

"I don't need people to help me grow up! I drink MILK!" Ah, what youthful innocence. But of course Yang had to spoil Ruby's precious milk, I mean naivety.

"But what about when we form teams?" The look on Ruby's sweet face dropped so much a heart could break just from that.

**Hey, that reminds me. Who do you think we are going to get partnered with?**

I am only going to speak to you if you act as sane as you were last night. I don't need mentally stable, but no more obscene sex and/or poop jokes.

**FINE! I'll be SLIGHTLY saner, alright! Just talk with me!**

Ok, ok, I'll talk. What was the question again?

**Partners! Who?**

Who knows, it's pretty much random. It could be anybody. Although I do kinda hope it is Ruby or Blake. That'd be sweet. But for all we know, it could be Velvet.

**Nope. Velvet is an upperclassman. I think we have a 65% chance of getting partnered with Yang.**

Uh, dude you had like no interest in her the other day. Why do you want to be partnered with her now? And how do you know Velvet is an upperclassman?

**I not interested in Yang, that much, but that is how the math and spelling works out.**

Math… and spelling?

**Come on man, its simple. This is a self-insert, so we are going to be in the main group no matter what. But we got here with the cast, so there is no way we can fuck with the system and land as a fifth member, like those nonsense fics, so somebody is getting booted. And since we went with your name, Ben, the only person that we can logically replace is Blake.**

Um… aside from the self-insert logic, why the hell could we only replace Blake?

**B! The fucking B! The show is RWBY! If we as BEN are put on the team, we will be the B and replace Blake. If we had just gone with my name, we could have kissed Weiss' ass out of here.**

So you are saying, we are going to be partnered with Yang, because the show has to spell out the protagonist's name?

**Yup.**

You really are an idiot.

**Can you even think of a name we could make with two Bs in it.**

Um… how about Barbary/BRBY?

**We might as well have Yang be the leader and call it "Why Barbara?" (YBRB)**

Ok that was a good one, but what about Velvet?

**Sorry, no spoilers for you!**

Wait, spoilers? What?

**Um, nothing. Uh, hey look, Jaune!** **To the comic relief character! Wait no! Weiss is going cross-eyed! Run for your life!**

Sure enough, Weiss had gone into her evil maniacal mode, purple thunderclouds emanating off her, an evil smile and lazy animat—I mean eye—adding to the picture. Yeah, I don't want to touch that with a thirty nine and a half foot pole.

"This will be perfect! The smartest girl in class combined with the strongest girl in class! Together we will be unstoppable! I can see it now! We'll be popular! We'll be celebrities! We'll get perfect grades! Nothing can come between us now!" Weiss schemed through her cloud formation.

.

..

...

Wait, how did we hear that? Isn't that internal monologue?

**I'll explain later. Just grab our gear and watch Jaune make a fool of himself.**

Yeah, let's just leave them be. We made enough bad blood with Weiss. Jaune can take some humiliation. Plus now we don't have to write how the conversation changed cause Jaune knows her name.

**And BTWs, that Pumpkin Pete cereal was delicious this morning! Why did you have to edit out Breakfast! We could have made SOO many pancake jokes with Nora!**

You were still trying to make poop jokes.

**So? It could have been a lo- hold up! Hot catgirl at 9 o'clock! **

Sure enough, Blake was retrieving Gamble Shroud out of her rocket propelled locker. Maybe we ought to apologize?

**She should have taken the starring as a compliment! But yeah, that might get us back on her good side.**

So with an affirmation from my insanity, I approach the lovely booky with as much grace as I could muster. That is to say, none. "Um. Hi Bla-"

"YO! Ben!" My attempted apology was interrupted before Blake even noticed I was attempting to talk with her.

**Story of my love life. Interrupted. Why won't sempai notice me?**

I turned to see Nate 'chillaxin' up against his personal rocket-locker, with two large orange swords across his back. I responded back, voice surging with annoyance "oh, hey Nate."

"I'm telling you, that girl ain't worth it after the put down you got last night," he virtually taunted me with the epic fail of last night.

"1, you're not helping that in the slightest now, and 2, I wasn't going to ask her out or anything. I was just going to apologize." I stated my case, and awaited Nate's response, only for the response to surprise me from behind.

"Apologize? What for?"

**Oh, Jesus, Blake was listening!**

I whipped around to see Blake look at me with curious eyes. God those golden eyes.

**Quick man! Recovery! Now!**

"Iwantedtoapologizeforbeinganassbystaringatyourass" I spurted out in a bout of awkwardness that would give Ruby a run for her money. My head was bowed, half in fear of seeing her face, half in worry I'd get slapped in mine.

"Well, apology accepted," she replied with her lovely faint smile before She turned and walked off.

**I know it doesn't count, but I'm still gonna say it: SCORE!**

"Well, never mind then," Nate laughed back. "Looks like you've got a chance yet!"

"Would all first-year students please report to Beacon Cliff for initiation? Again, all first-year students report to Beacon Cliff immediately." The disembodied voice of the Goodwitch of Beacon rang across the locker room, ensuring all the freshman could be plummeted to their doom off the side of a cliff.

**I will still insist on calling her Goodbitch.**

"Come on man, let's get to initiation," I offered Nate and we made our way to the suicide cliffs before his sister showed up and hit me in the head again.

* * *

Every freshman was lined up along the cliff face, each standing on their own springboard, like cattle to be sacrificed to the god of the sky.

**Mmm, human sacrifice. But Eerion doesn't like sacrifices silly. And what are you so scared about?**

We are about to be thrown off a cliff, and in case you forgot, we don't have magic natural force fields to keep us from going splat!

**Don't worry man, I have a plan. Just go on with the narration.**

Ooooooookaaaaaaaay. To my right, the bullies of team Cardinal. Why must they desecrate my beloved state bird? To my left stood Nate, talking with his sister, beyond her was the ever beautiful Blake, and beyond her was what I could only presume to be an extra OC to even out the teams before the characters faded into silhouettes.

**Wait, I think I can make out Nora... No, that's a dude, false alarm.**

"For years, you have trained to become warriors," The coffee wielding Ozpin began to say to the students who actually did train, "and today, your abilities will be evaluated in the Emerald Forest."

**Then GOODBITCH-**

Would you just quit it! Anyway, Prof Goodwitch moved up for here Spheal about teams. "Now, I'm sure many of you have heard rumors about the assignment of 'teams'." No, not really. "Well, allow us to put an end to your confusion. Each of you will be given teammates… TODAY!" Cue collective gulp from nervous students.

"These teammates will be with you for the rest of your time here at Beacon. So it is in your best interest to be paired with someone with whom you can work well." Which would be good advice, if it wasn't for the part where we can't choose. Which will be right now. "That being said, the first person you make eye contact with after landing will be your partner for the next four years." That seems like the most logical way possible to determine teams. Hashtag sarcasm. Even the prepared students couldn't help but gossip at this.

"We could be stuck with someone for four years just cause we looked at them?!" Krystal started complaining "That is cheap."

"Then don't look at people if you have that much of a problem." I quipped back.

"And run through a Grimm infested forest blind? Yea-NO." Before any more banter could come anymore banter could come along, Ozpin continued his Spheal.

"After you've partnered up, make your way to the northern end of the forest. You will meet opposition along the way. Do not hesitate to destroy everything in your path... or you _will_ die."

**Well that got dark. Think we can find some bodies?**

Dude, if anyone is going to die, it'll be us. We don't even have a landing strategy.

**Don't worry man, I got that covered. Just get out Deadshot and leave the rest to me.**

Letting you lose in a forest full of monsters and armed teenagers. Why does that not sound like a good idea?

Through my mental conversation, Ozpin was still talking. "You will be monitored and graded through the duration of your initiation, but our instructors will not intervene. You will find an abandoned temple at the end of the path containing several relics." AKA, your old chess board, "Each pair must choose one and return to the top of the cliff. You will guard that item, as well as your standing, and grade you appropriately. Are there any questions?" And cue stupid Jaune moment.

"Yeah, um, sir?" Jaune wagged his hand around like mad, but was promptly ignored.

"Good. Now, take your positions." Weapons were raised and everyone crouched, others apparently knew they were going to be catapulted of into oblivion. A pulled out Deadshot and flung it out in kusarigama form. You got a landing strat yet?

**Don't worry, I'll tell you in the air.**

That seems like a little late to me.

"Uh, sir? I've got, um... a question" Jaune begged as Weiss the the first to be launched into the chasm.

**Flying girls in combat skirts = win for guys on ground.**

Goddammit Will! Really?! And with Weiss? Why must you always make me look like a perv?

**Because we are one. And oh, looks like it will be our turn soon.**

As Jaune was asking about landing strats, I turned to see Blake get launched elegantly into the air, followed Ice bitch #2 and then Nate flew off. Oh, god here it comes…

*_Boing_*

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

**Well there it is. Finally, the next chapter of our adventure in Remnant. I hope you enjoyed watching us squirm. But now, I have some very special announcements.**

**You, the reader will now be given a semblance of control over our fate! Up on my profile now is a poll for who our split personality hero gets partnered up with. Go vote, and the one with the most votes will then be joined to us for the next four years of school!**

**The video project we were working on has been delayed a bit. I know you want to know what it is, but still, no spoilers. But you can still check out the channel it'll be on; Fan of Fiction. I have videos of my reactions to RWBY v2 up there, editing and commentary by thetimewalker2237. Speaking of which.**

**I finally got Timey to look at his old stuff again. He is currently reworking his old superhero stories, so if you like Young Justice or Spiderman or similar, check my better half out. He will, eventually, get reworks of his old stuff up.**

**But with that I bid you adieu. GO VOTE! The Darkmoon has set! **


	7. Landing Strat: George of the Jungle

**Hey peeps! Thetimewalker here! In case you forgot this was a collab, I'ma gonna be givin you the author note for the next 3 chaps, which should be coming out quicker (with all the luck of the Irish, maybe). Sorry for the hiatus. Darkmoon kinda a mental episode, and I'm just not into it enough without him.**

**But now, I know what you are waiting for; you wanna see who Ben gets shipped with, doncha? Well drum roll please! *proceeds to roll snare around room* And the winner is: Blake with 9 votes, followed with a tie of 5 each to Krystal and Ruby! As of now, we shall pair our self-insert with the lovely Faunus. You all are too kind, pairing our avatar with only our beloveds... And the girl constantly hitting him in the head.**

**But now, onward to plot!**

* * *

"I belieeeeeve I can flyyyyy! I believe I can touch the skyyy-yyyy-yyyy!"

"**No, it's more like we're FREEEEEEEE! FREE FALLIN!"**

I don't care if it's just falling with style, this is awesome! This is the coolest thing ever! Flying through the air, feeling the wind flow through my hair around my now tied down fedora, watching the tree line grow closer to impact.

Wait! What? Oh crap! Tree incoming!

**Relax man, I got this! **

Oh shit, you take over, and then I die flying head first into a tree. Marvelous. But Will took over anyway. He pressed a button on Deadshot and with a mighty swing threw one of its two scythes away into the woods. The duck you doing man.

**Grappling hook. Catch a limb and swing down like Tarzan!**

That's actually a good ide-"Owowowow! _*wham*_

**.**

**.**

**.**

It took at least ten seconds for my brain to reactivate. "OW!" Slowly, I pulled myself off of the trunk that I had just face planted into. More like George of the Jungle than Tarzan, Will.

**I'm not usually the one to question physics, but how the fuck did we survive that?**

I bent my now aching neck to observe the scene around us. One scythe of Deadshot was stuck in a branch above us and the extended cord was wrapped around the tree a few times. Lots of little twigs and branches broken off and I swear the tree now has a me-shaped dent. I guess we must have started to spin around the tree and the branches took enough force to keep us from dying. But GOD it hurts.

**So now we are injured in a forest full of shadow monsters and teenagers learning how to kill. This is just great! I say we activate Operation: Bloodmode!**

Blood mode? The fuck are you up to this time?

**Just hear me out on this, right? So, I'm the crazy insane badass side of you right?**

Well you are an ass and you're bad at it.

**Hey! Moving on, Remnant is an anime world, so anime physics apply.**

Uh, I'm just gonna let you go with that one.

**So if this works like any other anime, if you let your insane side go crazy, we'll go on an unstoppable blood rampage and kill everything insight! We'd get the cool crazy powers like our favorite psychos! I'm thinking of trying Dr. Stein's style of crazy first. Or maybe Deadpool. Joker maybe?**

I think I'm gonna go with operation: Fuck No instead. Here's the plan: I stay in control, we avoid as many Grimm as possible and we hope to get out of here alive.

**You really think we can manage running through a forest after face planting into a tree? I doubt we're fit to fight right now, and some wolfbearpig is probably gonna try and eat us soon!**

I have my own plan. There aren't monkey Grimm are there?

**How the fuck should I know?**

Still, staying in the trees would be a smart move. We can shoot down on the terrestrial Grimm. I think there is an arrow-rope or something in the quiver.

**I'm fine with going the Robin Hood approach. **

So back to narration mode: I carefully moved around the tree's branches to untangle the cord and unhooked the hand-scythe from the tree branch. Fiddling with the buttons until it reformed into the needed bow form and grabbed a collapsible arrow tied to another. Pull back and _twang,_ one arrow embedded in the tree now claimed with my face. The other arrow went in and went sailing, and hit something, hopefully a tree and not a student. A Grimm would be acceptable though. I switched Deadshot into its last form, a belay - I think that's how you spell it - and hooked the pulley over the line, said a prayer and jumped.

**We get to fly again! Wahahahoo! One thing though, how are you planning to stop this time?**

Oh fuck! Brakes! We need brakes! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

**Uh, dude, you can stop the screaming now.**

Huh? Somehow, our second flight of death had ended short. I was now just dangling from the wire, a few feet from a tree, screaming like a bitch. How?

**There was a brake, dumdum. We read the instructions, come on!**

Thanks for the save man!

**I'm just saving my own skin here. Nothing to write home ab- OH JEEZ we got monsters!**

"Holy shit!" Three Ursa had surrounded the free I was dangling from, looking at me like a tasty smackerel of honey. The shadow bears grabbed the trunk and shook the tree. Oh God I'm gonna die! I'm gonna be bear food!

**I have a plan to get out us out of this you know. Operation: Bloodmode is still on the table. **

You really think going crazy is gonna save us from these things!?

**Do you have a better idea?**

Da bears shook the tree again, nearly shaking my grip off of Deadshot. Ok fine! Go psycho and kill the monsters! Just get us out of here in one piece!

**While I'm at it, can I get the narration too?**

Fine! Just kill those things already!

**A devious smile quickly spread across my face. "Better prep for anatomy class, cause it's time for a dissection!" I hit the button to turn Deadshot back into hand scythe mode, which kinda cut through our support line. Luckily, there was a bear underneath to cushion my fall. My foot connected with the beast's face, knocking it down with my weight. My blades shot out, cutting through the Grimm's flesh like it was butter. Darkness saturated, possibly demonic butter. Unfortunately, there was no splatter, everything leaking out turned to dust on the wind. I wonder if that's where Dust comes from? **

**The dissection continued, and blades swung through flesh as song cut through the air: **

**"I am cutting up a bear!**

**But don't know what song this is!**

**Sounds sort of classical!**

**But maybe romantic!"**

**Scythes carved the beast, revealing delicious innards and organs. No heart, or spleen, to be seen. After a furious frenzy of slashes, I stood breathless, staring at the evaporating pile of evenly sliced bear. Man that was fun! I'm exhausted.**

Um, Will?

**Yeah, J-man?**

What are you planning on doing about the other two Ursa?

**"HWhat?" I turned around to see two Ursa Major towering over me, obviously miffed about my impromptu bio class using their brethren as a frog. "Oh. Forgot about you two." One raised a jumbo paw and **

_***wham***_

**.**

**..**

**...**

**I skidded to halt some thirty feet back, my ass tracing its shape in the dirt. My lungs weren't responding, and I think there's some blood loss. And it looks like Yogi is coming for the picnic basket! Oh god I'm fucking doomed! **

Oh please lord, don't let my last words be a Hanna Barbera reference!

**Papa bear lifted up his big paw, readying me for my afterlife, and then... It fell over dead.** **Hawha? The bear face planted into the dirt, revealing a gun sticking out of the back of its head. A flick of black and the gun was gone. The remaining bear looked around wildly trying to find the killer, only to have its head cleaved off. When I could finally breathe again, I look up to see Blake standing over her kill. She was a damsel in shining armour come to rescue me, the knight in distress. Our eyes met.**

"Looks like you could use a hand."

* * *

**And just like the actual episode, this chapter will be extremely short, disappointing, and sets up the shipping! Stuck with Blake for four years. Life couldn't get much sweeter. This does bring up a problem though: team name. Seriously, now it's gonna be RBWB, and although Darkmoon likes the idea of team "reboob," I don't think that will work too well. So if any of you peeps in the comments have an idea for some semblance of a name we can make out of those initials, please give us a heads up in a review. Till next time! Peace!**


End file.
